Why being engaged is more important than being right
Recently, during a phone conversation, my friend from home asked, “So, how are all the uncomfortable conversations?” I was confused; what was she talking about?
“Well, before you left, you said you were looking forward to being challenged 24/7 by people with totally different worldviews and experiences from you. How is that going?”
I had to admit that although I have been learning a great deal from our GSB community, we generally like to agree with each other. With some exceptions, I would even say we lean towards avoiding heated topics, preferring to assume we all hold roughly the same worldview. In the California sunshine that filters through the trees onto Town Square, I catch fragments of GSBers discussing their week, sharing ambitions, pitching startups and (of course) reflecting upon the elusive concept of friendship. Whilst I enjoy those conversations too, I feel that we could use our time together in a more interesting way by embracing some friction.
Our voices are the most powerful thing we have. Words can build bridges over the greatest divides, quotes can inspire millions and opinions can be a weapon against what is broken in this world. Through dialogue, we question and challenge, we reframe, refine and adjust; our voice is an ever-changing reflection of who we are and what we have learned. I would love to see all members of the GSB community, including me, use our unique voices more frequently and more bravely. Not just privately or in situations when the stakes are low, but also publicly and when the stakes are high.
Although speaking your truth can be joyful and impactful, it is also dead scary. What if we are wrong? What if we say something tone deaf about a sensitive topic? What if our opinion is unpopular? I think many of us are so afraid to say the wrong thing, we don’t say anything at all. This is unsurprising, as we’ve been taught from a young age that there are right and wrong answers, and that it is important to be right. In addition, many of us were raised to be polite by evading topics that may cause friction. The more sensitive the topic, the more these mechanisms kick in and the scarier it seems to articulate an opinion about them. Better not take the risk, we think.
Unfortunately, the “scary” topics, the ones that cause friction, are precisely the topics we should all be talking about. A lot. How can we be allies, advocates or activists if we refuse to speak up on topics we care about because we are afraid to say the wrong thing? Yes, it may feel deeply uncomfortable and risky at first to publicly voice an opinion about race, to take a more conservative point of view in a community that implicitly assumes progressive values or to challenge an assumption that several people just agreed upon. I am often still slightly nervous when I am about to comment on a sensitive topic. But the alternative to putting yourself in that vulnerable position is being an active part in maintaining the status quo through your silence. Agreement may be comfortable, but it is neither productive nor transformational. It is boring.
I propose that we reframe our voices and speech to be more experimental and playful. Instead of aspiring to be right or to make an excellent point, we should aspire to express, engage and learn. I’d love to see all of us use our voices often, with purpose and with passion, balanced by open hearts, empathy and real curiosity. If we don’t have full knowledge or experience but we do feel strongly enough to take a stance, that is what we say. If a conversation makes us change our minds, we articulate it. If we unintentionally hurt someone with our words, we apologize. By playfully colliding through conversation, we can shape each other’s opinions and our own. Over time, we’ll all learn to be comfortable in the discomfort of vulnerability and dissent.
Changing our approach to using our voices is only possible if the community makes space for it. This means we must also change the way we evaluate others’ voices. Let’s be kind in our disagreement, acknowledging that someone had the courage to voice that opinion and seeing their point in a playful context. Let’s truly listen before forming a response. And please let’s not enforce a culture where using your voice is not cool. Too often I have heard words about our braver classmates such as “She takes up a bit too much space” or “They’re such a capitalist.” Don’t be judgmental; be inspired. Let’s reframe all contributions as generosity, even if you disagree with a position. Reward those who use their voices by engaging and taking up a bit more space yourself. If you are open to it, perhaps also question why another person’s engagement irritates you. Annoyance can be a metaphor; for me, often it is not the other person who truly gets to me, but something I don’t like about myself that is highlighted by their behavior.
Next time you feel nervous to express an opinion about something, take that as a signal that this topic is precisely what you should be speaking about. Whether you raise your hand to voice an unpopular opinion in class, play with articulating an opinion on a cause instead of sharing an emoji or generic template on social media, or go against the general opinion in a big group setting, stand for your values, experiment and most of all have a bit of fun with it.
An esteemed classmate once said to me, “This is a group of some of the most exceptional people we’ll ever meet, yet sometimes it seems like we quit our jobs, took out loans and crossed oceans just to play Beer Pong with each other.” Let’s honor the incredible breadth of our community by using our voices fearlessly and listening generously. And who knows, maybe changing each other’s minds will bring us closer to changing lives, organizations and the world.
