Double Espresso Without a Filter
There are times when I say something to, well, just about anyone, to be honest, and have to ask myself, “Why did I say that?” As it turns out, overthinking was not the only autism trait I exhibited in that same class in 4th grade. There was one more. An utterance that got me into trouble with the teacher and resulted in one of my first disciplinary actions in school: being unfiltered.
In a positive way, being unfiltered happens when I am honest about something that does not trigger anyone. Imagine that in this day and age. I naturally tell the truth because it makes sense to me and aligns with my analytical thinking. For the last two weeks of the “Autism Experience”, I have been less filtered than I would be if I were masking to blend in. I tell it like it is. The first time I was unfiltered, in 4th grade, was as confusing as it felt shameful.
In the class, I sat close to the center. So, I was surrounded by classmates. We were going up and down the rows, responding to some questions the teacher asked us. Eventually, the classmate who sat in front of me had his turn to respond. For whatever reason, he stumbled with his words and did not immediately answer. The previous day, he had overswung his aluminum baseball bat and hit himself in the left side of his head.
Bruised and sore from the impact, I will never know whether or not it was the pain from his injuries that paused his speech. But what happened next is seared into my memory. Out of the blue, I leaned forward and half-whispered, “Spit it out.” Insert a side-eye emoji. Needless to say, my teacher was displeased with my remark, and rightfully so. What I said was inappropriate. But why in the world did I do it?
Consider the exact details that I still remember after all these years. The classmate sitting in front of me was, in general, a decent kid. I did not have any problems with him before or since then. I literally just blurted out what popped into my mind. Afterwards, the scolding from the teacher was not what left a mark. It was me. I felt terribly confused about the incident. In hindsight, I know why.
I experienced an empathetic reaction linked to bullying during that same school year. For the very first time, I was bullied by someone my age. A fellow classmate repeatedly stalked me during recess outside the school building. I was not the type of person to bully someone else, and I knew it. I made that choice about my behavior. So, when I said to spit it out to my classmate that day, I quickly felt that what I said was wrong and learned my lesson.
This incident was the first of many instances since my youth where my parents would caution and remind me that “my mouth will get me into trouble.” I referred to it as “not thinking before I spoke” because, the year before, I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. I have since speculated that being unfiltered may also involve a measure of hyperactive behavior, which is common with ADHD, as it is now known.
In any case, I would characterize being unfiltered as feeling more like a direct pattern of self-expression. A tendency to have no filter in our thinking process when we express ourselves. One that, if it triggers the people around us, can put autistic people in awkward and negative social situations. In the words of actor Dan Aykroyd from Ghostbusters (1984), “I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there.” Indeed.
Sometimes we are just like a double espresso without a filter. I doubt I will ever get used to being this way. But sometimes it does have advantages.
#LetThatThinkIn
Welcome to the next Autism Experience.
The Day the Cops Were Called, Part 1.
