I Overthink; Therefore I Am
In my autism presentation, I use a well-known quote by French philosopher René Descartes. When translated, the second part reads as “I think; therefore I am.” I use it because I feel the quote best summarizes mental health in a way that everyone can relate to. Our thinking is central to who we are as human beings and how we interact with our environment. In my experience, overthinking has been one of the more common behavioral traits that autistic people exhibit.
For me, it was one of the earliest clues I discovered to indicate I was autistic at a young age. Just one year after I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder in 1990, the 4th grade was a challenging time in my life. I was ten years old. I had my first pair of prescription eyeglasses and was bullied for the first time. I still remember this as if it happened only yesterday.
One day, my teacher walked around the room and had us pick folded pieces of paper. Each slip contained a topic. We were instructed to prepare a short and simple presentation explaining how to do the topic we picked. Mine was how to tie my shoes. It seemed simple enough at first. I had been able to tie my shoes without having to think about how to do it for at least a few years. I felt confident enough.
However, that evening at home, when I sat down to begin writing the assignment, something felt very wrong. When I tried to think about how to explain tying my shoes, I was unable to. So, I kept trying. I thought about it from my point of view. While seated, hunched forward, I would put my left and right hand where? My head was spinning. What kind of assignment was this? The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.
I was like a train wreck. It got so bad, I either had a panic attack or was close to one. I simply could not understand how to describe tying shoes. Finally, I just wrote a detail-oriented explanation and hoped it would be good enough. Nope. When I finished presenting to the class, all I can remember is feeling as if I had confused everyone. None of my classmates did or said anything offensive. The teacher tried her best to be thoughtful but had to admit my explanation was confusing.
Combined with being one of the first times I had to speak in front of anyone, the whole experience was mildly traumatic. For whatever reason, though, I held onto the memory because it felt like the equivalent of a headache in terms of something being wrong with me. I thought maybe someday I would find out why. Little did I know that it was from being autistic.
In all the years since the 4th grade, my life has been filled with instances of overthinking that have affected my ability to process thoughts. One of the most recent examples was a couple weeks ago, when a follower on Twitter sent me a link to an autism-related survey. I swear, with every single question, I could actually feel my mind fighting each choice I had to make. It was like an anchor pulling at my brain.
Instinctively, I needed to respond in my own way. My neurodivergent thinking was trying to assert its dominance, but that is not how questionnaires are structured, are they? Someone else creates them. You just pick the answers. If it sounds simple enough, I have learned never to underestimate an autistic mind’s ability to overthink it. Fortunately, this has not affected my ability to watch movies, because I know that it can.
#LetThatThinkIn
Welcome to the next Autism Experience.
Double Espresso Without a Filter.
