Oppositionally Defiant, Yet Unrefined
Oppositional defiance can manifest itself when we do the distinct opposite of a command we are told to do or what is expected by societal norms. It is most visible in, but not limited to, autistic people who are nonspeaking and intellectually impaired. I have seen it in someone who is as capable as I am as well. Here is what happened. I started the conversation by speaking in a hushed tone to keep the details of the topic from being overheard.
They intentionally responded by raising their voice loud enough to be heard because I triggered their defiance with the way I wanted the conversation to go. Oppositional defiance can be a bit frustrating, especially for those with more challenging behavioral patterns. On the other hand, I have found a different and honestly priceless way that this trait has influenced my life: through my self-expression.
As early as elementary school, I started writing thank you cards to my relatives for gifts sent on special occasions. I was so thoughtful and unknowingly unfiltered in my self-expression that my grandparents loved how genuine and honest I was in my cards. I will never forget how my paternal grandmother even evoked her faith to thank me. Around this time in my life, I was experiencing bullying from kids at school and the loss of loved ones for the first time.
Stark negatives compared to a thank-you card. When I was increasingly exposed to tragedy and death at this age, I distinctly remember becoming hyper-aware of the way people offered their condolences. To be clear, not in a way I am criticizing. It was as if I perceived what was commonly said and formulated a change in my behavior accordingly. I decided to be defiant.
During high school, I specifically remember thinking that I wanted to express my moral support differently than everyone else. I personally wanted to defy what was said. For example, the phrase “you are not alone” seemed a bit too unsympathetic for my desire to use it. So, over time, I started to express myself by thinking of something different to say. The positive encouragement I was receiving continued, and I allowed this to progress to more complex forms and other situations.
What started with comforting a loved one with a different expression of moral support progressed to include positive encouragement when I wanted to tell someone I really believed in them. What started as oppositional defiance incorporated my undiagnosed neurodivergent nature because I was able to embrace it through self-expression without masking.
Fast forward to today, and my ability to defy what is commonly said has blossomed into my most cherished autistic trait. I am proud that I allowed myself to be this way at a young enough age to be this good. And I have no doubt that people in my life reap the benefits every day. Consider one of my more recent expressions for a best friend’s solemn loss of a loved one.
“If she was that good to you in life, she deserves your tears. Don’t be ashamed to cry because love like hers is worth being proud of.”
A counselor of mine said this was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. I now know where this behavior came from and why. Oppositional defiance and autism. Considering that it incited me to talk back to my dad (not in a disrespectful way), I am glad I could embrace it rather than hide it. That is turning a negative into a positive.
#LetThatThinkIn
Welcome to the next Autism Experience.
Stim to the Beat of a Different Drum.
