The Most Unfortunate Trait to Date
Missing social cues and nonspeaking autism can have perilous consequences in situations with oversharing and non-autistic people. There is another important situation in which autism presents an awkward set of challenges, the impacts of which can have long-term effects on our social development and mental health. Dating has been one of the most confusing and difficult aspects of my life.
Based on my observations, I suspect the same is true for many other autistic people, regardless of their age. Some may not even realize it. If an autistic person is not diagnosed or does not have peers whose experiences they can compare their dating difficulties with, the social awkwardness may seem incredibly confusing and feel depressing to them. In my experience, one thing is certain: missing social cues in dating has had a lasting effect on my life.
An undiagnosed autistic guy walks into a bar — a Panera Bread or a Starbucks (evidently not a Hooters) — and finds a woman he is attracted to (not sure if the puns are intended, but my humor is). What do you do? There is so much that cannot be known or seen when dating that it can feel rather intimidating. I would love to read minds as much as the next person, but that is not how the world works (sorry, Mel Gibson; toasters are not an option).
I have tried to “clock the wedding finger”, but I still cannot get the hang of it. I have tried to plan my strategy before I go on a date. I have tried self-talking to the point that I feel like I am preparing for my own job interview, which is a good analogy. It is stressful and intense, and if you fail, you are left with no way to know what you did wrong to improve. I do remember what everyone used to tell me.
Some of the earliest feedback from my peers about my dating included, as I now know, distinct clues for undiagnosed autism. “Jim. You’re trying too hard, man.” “You come on too strong.” I would get honest dating tips, but from non-autistic people. No matter how hard I tried, I could not understand how to date effectively. Instead, I was being overly analytical and overthinking the dating process.
But I was also missing social cues from the women because I overshared or was too assertive, and the next thing I knew, I was being ghosted (intentionally ignored) or rejected. Notice all of the italicized autism traits. I have little doubt there are more. It is no coincidence that I am being sarcastic when talking about my difficulties with dating.
The more I tried and failed to date while not knowing I was autistic, it eventually took a heavy toll on my mental health. The repetitive rejections were a setback at first. But as time went on, I started to see my peers getting married and starting families of their own, one after another. It has been a painful experience being so late-diagnosed that I missed the best years for dating in my life.
As a result of missing social cues, I have also recognized how easy it is for an autistic person to be taken advantage of. I know because it has happened to me personally. Normally, social cues indicate if a person is potentially abusive. We usually miss them. Autistic women have a tougher experience because they are not taken seriously by society yet and have to face these challenges on their own. So, one thing is certain. Dating is not easy for us.
I may not be the only autistic person, diagnosed or undiagnosed, who has had to endure the same difficulty or the same history of depression from long-term rejection. If I could turn back the clock and see those cues immediately, I would. No one can turn back the clock for those who are older and autistic. Hopefully, younger autistic people can avoid the same fate.
#LetThatThinkIn
Welcome to the next Autism Experience.
Oppositionally Defiant, Yet Unrefined.
