Which Nu-Disco Musician Would Be the Best Politician? A Fantasy Bracket Tournament
Crazy fun stories featuring Parcels, Breakbot, Donny Benét, and many more. Don’t take it too seriously
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Round 1 (multitasking):
Jupiter vs Cola Boyy
Both members of Jupiter chicken out at the thought of multitasking. They forfeit by “accidentally” sleeping in until 10:30 in the morning, not realizing that the tournament was at 6:00 pm this whole time. Jupiter never show up, and Cola Boyy wins by listening to “We Are the Champions” and bopping his head at the same time.
Breakbot vs Hot Chip
Breakbot wins by dropping a killer DJ set while answering fans’ questions about when his next album is coming out. He manages to come up with a different answer every time! Hot Chip are strong competition with their coloured balls and lights, but they are left in the dust by Breakbot’s fierce focus and mixing mastery.
Fred Falke vs Junior Senior
Junior Senior lose for sure. They get too busy worried about entertaining that they don’t even really try to multitask all that well. Fred Falke wins by doing bubble wand tracks and slicing chocolate at the same time.
Aeroplane vs Holy Ghost!
Holy Ghost! attempts to do karaoke during frontman Alex Frankel’s Zoom meeting with his restaurant Frankel’s Delicatessen. They fail miserably. Aeroplane wins by doing a DJ set in a penguin costume. Fun fact: I once dreamt that Frankel ran against Trump for President and lost.
Classixx vs Moullinex
Classixx wins. I think it would be really funny if a really out-of-nowhere competitor came in last place, so I’ll say Moullinex comes in last place. There isn’t any reason to think he would be a good or bad multitasker outside of music.
Miami Horror vs Parcels
Miami Horror take a page from Cola Boyy’s book and perform We Are the Champions while bopping their heads. But despite outperforming the winner, they become the loser anyways. Why? Because Parcels are legendary! Their routine consists of jumping rope and playing the accordion.
The Juan Maclean vs The Twelves
The Twelves win because they haven’t released any new music in years, and so they had plenty of time to practice. Their routine involves 10 different activities but neither member does any more than three tasks at once. Instead, they swap out activities with new ones after performing them for an instant. The Juan Maclean sees how magical The Twelves are at multitasking and realize they don’t stand a chance, so they don’t put in any effort into their performance, which involves memorizing movie quotes while slicing vegetables.
DJ Falcon vs Donny Benét
I’m having trouble deciding this one. I mean, have you seen either of them multitask? No. Plus, neither of them are the type to take risks, so I think both of them would do multitasking that is well within their comfort zone. Honestly, I’m gonna go with DJ Falcon because he’s a DJ so he’s probably better at multitasking than Donny Benét.
Round 2 (debate):
Cola Boyy vs Breakbot
Cola Boyy wins. If you already know who he is, I don’t think I need to explain why. He’s the most politically active and vocal out of all the competitors in this fantasy tournament.
Fred Falke vs Aeroplane
The pair try to “debate,” but their discussion repeatedly finds itself becoming a casual chat. Aeroplane eventually wins due to him taking the tournament more seriously than Falke.
Classixx vs Parcels
The topic they are discussing is “what direction does America need to take to prevent gun violence?” Classixx put forth the idea of more frequent mandatory checkups for gun owners.
Parcels’ drummer Anatole “Toto” Serret jumps out the window and runs away.
The other four members argue say that authorities need to work harder on cracking down on non-documented and non-licensed gun ownership.
Classixx look like they are winning for most of the debate, but Parcels pull ahead right at the last minute by telling a heartbreaking tale of a homeless person they knew from back home.
The Twelves vs DJ Falcon
Have you ever wanted to get in a debate over whether boiled eggs are better than scrambled eggs? Well, it was a lucky day for The Twelves and DJ Falcon.
I did some research on both of them and I still have no idea how the discussion would go. So, I’ll just have to go with my gut feeling and say The Twelves.
Round 3 (social media):
Cola Boyy vs Aeroplane
This is a reeaaaalllly tough one, but I’ll have to give the nod to Aeroplane because he seems to use social media for enjoyment as well as a promotional tool. This is pretty rare for someone of his stature, but you can tell in some of his posts that he is using it as an ordinary person would.
Parcels vs The Twelves
Definitely Parcels. Their Instagram is great. It’s like looking through an old photo album and feels like a genuine peek at their lives. The Twelves don’t even seem to be active on social media anymore.
Round 4 (love of country):
Parcels vs Aeroplane
Congratulations, Parcels! Because you made a music video emphasizing the beauty of Australia, you beat Aeroplane in the final round and are the champions of the tournament! You all win free tickets to The Louvre.
😊
