Bare minimum in relationships

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

I have been in a relationship for 4 years, and it has been an amazing relationship. Throughout, we have been open and not defined our relationship. Which I was ok with because of my feelings for him, and sensitive to the fact that something was sensitive and hard for him to express and share with me.

Having no defined title or relationship has been a struggle for me, for a long time I didn’t want to seem like I needed more, too much, or to infringe on his life too much, so I haven’t.

In the past year and a half, he has been a very big part of my life. Opening himself up emotionally and letting me into his life, family, friends. To me this has been great and I have done the same for him. My struggle is that he hasn’t really told me what he wanted in life and in this relationship, or in general.

I have recently told him I love him, which was no easy feat for me. Because I know I want him in my life and I want even more than that to express my feelings when I have them; it’s been painful to not express my love out loud in the past.

he has another person in his life that he has known for 2 years. He has told me that recently, I don’t know any more about her or the extent of their relationship. It was his first time telling me that he is non monogamous which for me was a big win that he started to Talk to me about his feelings and needs. (I have gathered this over the 4 years, if I hadn’t been ok with it, I wouldnt have stayed)

What wasn’t a win for me was he assumed where I was feeling, because I told him I love him. Which makes me think that to him non-monogamy means you can’t love someone and express it. he started the conversation saying I want something different than he does. he assumed I wouldn’t be ok with non monogamy. And he assumed that my reaction would be to tell him to leave. That is not who I am, and especially not with who I am in love with. when I have something great I fight for it. But is he not going to fight for me? Does he not have the capacity to love and express this in words?

Is he ready to have a non monogamous relationship with me as one of his loves if he hasn’t been honest and open about defining the relationship before? is this pivotal time a time to move on because he’s not ready? or Is it something we should work through?

If he hasn’t been open and communicative with me will he be able to start so that this can work?

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.