Can you control who your partner dates?

Photo by Dan Lohmar on Unsplash

I’ve been in a serious relationship with a guy who has recently started to identify as poly. He still has strong feelings for two of his ex girlfriends, but when he and I started dating neither of them was available (and they still aren’t, one is in the States and they have agreed on not dating long-distance, while the other is in a committed monogamous relationship).

He also has recently moved to Melbourne for a year, where L, the ex that lives in the States, is going to visit him (I will too, but in a different month). The last time he saw her was before he and I started dating, and they were intimate; I have been told that usually when they see each other they tend to act like they are a couple and “take advantage” of the time they have together.

I feel extremely bothered by the idea that this might happen, but I also don’t think it is because he would “cheat” on me, rather because he and I have never discussed polyamory as something tangible (so far we didn’t have occasion/opportunity to be open anyway). I also think that I wouldn’t object so much if he actually had a relationship with someone committed and not someone who has badly hurt him before, someone, put plainly, that will not fuck him and then fuck off back to her country leaving him upset and in need of comfort. He also has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, triggers) that I feel would be made consequently worse by having her for a while and then having to pick himself up when she leaves.

My opinion of this may be biased by the fact that, despite not ever having met her, the other ex, his family and his friends all seem to think that L was manipulative, uncaring and generally not a good fit for him. He is already struggling with depression because he’s in Melbourne on his own, and not having ever lived abroad on his own, so I’m concerned. On the other hand, prohibiting him to do something physical with her doesn’t seem right and not something I should do.

I’m really confused and some advice would be really helpful.

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.