How to start being polyamorous

Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

For the first time in my life, my paradigms about monogamy vs non-monogamy have been broken. They have been eroded because I seem to meet MANY non-monogamous women which have chipped at my wall of monogamy. I also read the book “Sex At Dawn”.

I have three questions I would really appreciate your help on.

Bringing Up The Subject Of Non-Monogamy

I am in a long-distance (12–15 hour away) relationship. So far I have visited her (A) for ten days and she has visited me for ten days. We have a great relationship with incredible commonality. During her last trip to visit me, I brought up the topic of what are our boundaries and expectations for our relationship. I was pushing more for monogamy, but she wanted to keep things open. We talked about health risks and ways to mitigate that. As well as the fact that I want her to tell me about others. I accepted this non-monogamy deal.

In talking with her more over the oncoming weeks, I am getting the impression that she wants to be more monogamous with me (though never said explicitly). We talk almost everyday. She wants me to meet her dad. She talks about long future with me and even moving in together.

Alas, another woman (B)(who lives much closer) has entered my life who has expressed serious interest in becoming intimate with me. While I would like to pursue that with her, I don’t want to hurt my existing partner or break some unspoken boundary.

I am planning on bringing up the boundaries and expectations conversation when I see her (A) again in two weeks. Should I bring up the fact that another woman (B) has entered my life as the reason why I am interested in non-monogamy? Or should I just bring it up generally and not include the fact that I have another in the wings? “B” wants me to bring up this conversation sooner than later via phone call with “A”, but I think this sensitive topic is better in person. What do you think?

Equality vs Primary/Secondary

My other problem I have is both women want to be my primary. I say the best I can do is hold them at equal value; but that doesn’t seem to be good enough for them. “B” had a bad experience in her last monogamous relationship where the guy completely ignored her in the presence of his primary. What is the resolution to this?

Priorities

When you have multiple partners, how do you decide which one to spend holidays with? Likewise, when spending the day with one partner (B) and the other partner (A) expects a usual phone call from you; How do you excuse yourself from “B” to talk with “A”? What do you say to “A”? “I can’t talk long, I’m with another person”?

I just don’t want to cause jealousy or hurt feelings yet I strive to be transparent about everything. This is a balance point I am trying to resolve.

Health

One of my biggest concerns about non-monogamy is the exponential increase for potential STI/STD risk. Sex is messy even with condoms. Foreplay and oral sex usually don’t include condoms thereby being a potential avenue for exposure. I trust my partners but I don’t necessarily trust theirs. I have non-mongamous friends who caught herpes as a result of a tertiary person. What can be done to mitigate risk? Is a condom contract enough? Testing is good, but what about accounting for incubation periods?

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.