Is opening your relationship worth it?

I have been with my wife for about 15 years, married for 5 now, and in all accounts have had a amazing life together. We love each other deeply and have had very few complication in our time together. I’ve always felt that I was truly lucky to have her.

About two years ago my wife had a stress breakdown, work related, and over the following 12 months quit her job and did some self exploration which changed her life for the better, mentally & physically. I was always there to support her and we got through it. Not only did we get through it we were even stronger and for the past year she has said many time that she feels even closer and more love for me than ever.

So very recently she confessed to me that she has come to believe she identifies as ‘ethical non-monogamy’ and the only reason she told me was because of how close she fells towards me. I was completely shocked as this was something that I have never considered. It has been an extremely trying time for me but I promised her that I would at least explore this with her to learn about it.

She believed that I have so much love to give that it would grow us as people. We are reading books together, listening to audio books (“More than two” which you have referenced) watch you tube, spoken to councillors (myself) and I’m going to meet people that run a poly group. I want to get a full understanding of what this life change would involve, if I can do it and what could happen to us if it works or if it doesn’t (or if one loves it and the other does not). She has said that she doesn’t know if she would even like it or have time for it but wants to try.

In all honesty it scares me to the core, what could happen to us and our relationship. The chance that it could ruin our love for each other or result in resentment and of course the thought of other lovers. I guess jealously is a big one as it has been running through my head a lot — the though of the first date, first night away from home with another. I’m not averse to change but it I need to know if this is even something I want to try.

There has been no pressure on me to make a decision right away but I know that she will want one at some point soon, I’m unsure if I can not committee to this she wont leave me — but it is possible. I know that unless I’m true to myself, and of course her too, know what I need from a relationship, my boundaries and values that this will not work regardless.

I know it would take courage to do this but I also know it will take courage to tell her ‘I cant’ knowing that it could also mean an end to our relationship. I do see a positive reality to being poly but I’m not sure if I am ready to do it now…in a year, 5, 10 or ever.

I guess what I would like to know is the honest truth in your experience as to — How often does exploring this life change work? What is the reality that attempting this, in our situation, likely to damage our relationship? Can I know if I am the type of person that could make the change?

Are poly people able to live in a mono relationship happily? How do you survive that first night when they are with another, on a date or physical? Any other insight you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.