Is polyamory just a way to cheat ethically?

I have always been monogamous. I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 22 years. While I have several friends that have been in the past or are currently in polyamorous relationships, it has never held a lot of interest to me. I know (intellectually) that it is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time, but it is not something that I have ever experienced or expected to.

Recently, I became back in touch with an old flame/turned friend. We had one weekend together about 24 years together and due to a combination of being young and stupid and a 2.5 hour distance, we never pursued a relationship. In a way, he has always been the one I wondered about. Could it have worked? What would have happened? We settled on being friends who chat occasionally and running into each other every couple of years. Very casual. He and my husband have met like and respect each other.

2 months ago, I was able to spend a little bit of time with him (with both families) and then I was in his town for a couple of days for a work training. We went out to dinner and spent time together. Now I feel like a teenager and think about him way more than I have since the early days when we first met. Is it hormones? Is it left over feelings? Mid-life crisis? He thinks it is us exploring a connection that we didn’t allow ourselves to in the past. He is in the middle of a divorce and is looking to be single in the near future.

I am not. While I am crazy about this guy and feel like I am on the verge of falling in love, I find myself more in love with my husband than ever before. I can’t imagine my life without him and don’t want to lose him. I think I am finally understanding what friends of mine have been saying for years. I feel entirely different about these two men, but feel a connection and deep affection for them both.

Am I just being selfish? Am I just going to hurt everyone? Part of me really wants to give polyamory a try and see if we can make it work and part of me is terrified that I will end up ruining my marriage. I don’t know if my friend would even be willing to be in a polyamourous relationship and he may not see this as anything more than an emotional fling. Part of me wants to check with him before trying to talk to my husband, but part of me feels that that is the cowards way out. I don’t want to open my marriage only for a way to cheat without feeling guilty. I want to be sure if I take this step, that my husband is comfortable with everything and feels free to do the same. I am still trying to suss everything out. Plus, if I do decide to have the talk, I have no idea how to even begin.

I am not sure I am making any sense what so ever. If I am, please let me know if you have any advice. If not, thanks for reading this far and letting me get it out.

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.