Managing your partner’s emotions

A few months ago my partner and I decided to open our monogamous relationship. It’s something that we had talked about since we met and something that both of us had tried or were interested in long before meeting. We both read your column and have done a lot of what you recommend including establishing why we want to do this and what it’ll look like for us (we’ll remain primary partners and have occasionally friends that we have sex with).

Despite some bumps in the road, after a while everything kind of regulated and we each had flings, came back to each other and realized that this is something we can really do.

A week ago I met someone that I have really great chemistry with and because I don’t often get this excited about new people, I think my partner got scared. Since then, I’ve tried to be really gentle with them but I feel like I can’t get anything right. We each have lists that we exchanged with ideas of things that could help us when we’re struggling with an aspect of our open relationship and I’ve tried many things on the list but they’ll tell me after that I didn’t execute it how they had in mind or something.

I’ve been on that side of things too: worried that my partner will leave me for someone ~better~ or feeling like a second fiddle, so I think I understand how they feel. I’m starting to struggle with being patient though. I feel stuck between continuing to get to know this new person (even at this glacial pace of once a week) and completely aborting that adventure. If I continue, what if it breaks my partner or my patience? And if I abort, what if that complicates thing for us long term?

One of the things on their list is “show that you still lust for me (even if I don’t want to have sex right then)” so last week after a date with my new friend, after chatting and before bed, I whispered in their ear that I was horny and started kissing on them. They told me they weren’t into it so I stopped and we went to sleep. In the morning they told me that I should have more tact because it made them feel like I was horny from my date and since I didn’t have sex on my date, I came home to them. They felt like I wasn’t horny *for them* in particular, just using them to get off. What kinds of considerations should we take? Any advice for handling difficult balancing situations like this?

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.