Open relationships after cheating

Photo by Michael Drexler on Unsplash

Me and boyfriend been dating for almost 2 years. We were seeing each other for like 6 months, then apart for 6 months but now we are together but we will be apart again soon.

One time I caught him on tinder and it upset me. Then he told me he’s not great in monogamous relationship. He told me he’d be okay if I meet or sleep with other guy and it won’t change his feeling towards me. He also said it’s easy for him to separate sex and relationship. I told him I don’t think I can do that. He told me I don’t have to do that I don’t want to. But he didn’t say anything to compromise my feeling, and that upset me, he knows that I’m upset but I think he just can’t change his habits.

Also, the day before I caught him on tinder, I read his was sexting other girl and I got upset. He said sorry and he said he’d stop but the next day I caught him on tinder so I feel cheated.

Then after, I asked him if he’s been sleeping with other people since we’re together. He admitted it, but I already knew it because I checked his messages secretly. It happened when I moved back to my country and he hasn’t had a plan to come here and decided to move in with me.

However, I secretly know that he’s been on tinder and like to chat random girls. I used to check on his phone secretly but at some point he knew this and he changed all his password. So I know I have trust issue.

On the other hand, I also being on tinder all the time but never meet people in person, just chatting. And after we spoke about that monogamous stuff, I decided to meet couple of people and I didn’t enjoy it. I could and I want to be in monogamous relationship. Actually I think I’m on tinder and meet other guys because of him. But I also feel I’m selfish.

I do believe his feelings towards me. He says he want to have a life with me, have kids. And I do believe that, because he sacrifices a lot of thing for me. He moved in to my country while he doesn’t even speak the language, no friends. He stay here for 6 months even know I know he hates this place.

I want to be with him and have a life with him. But I’m afraid this will ruin myself. I can’t help myself thinking that he sleeps with other girl when we’re not together and that’s killing me. I am happy with him but he sometimes makes me upset. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I want to end this relationship but the minutes after I feel like I still want to be with him.

Sorry for the long message and would really appreciate it if you could give some insights or suggestions or anything.

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.