Possessiveness and polyamory

Photo by marcos mayer on Unsplash

It feels like I’m at the end of my rope right now. I don’t know what to do and all the articles and books I read and mental health experts I speak to don’t seem to help. Hence, I humbly submit the following to you.

I find myself in an open relationship with my wife whom I love very much. She’s been seeing a coworker from work for sex when I’m not around. This kills me. But more on this in a minute.

When we initially began the relationship, my wife was seeing a number of men…in addition to me. I was very possessive. I have since then read many books such as Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, Opening Up and more about non-monogamy but at the time I was still sorting out the Standard Model.

We set some ground rules about where we could have sex with others and about not hurting each other. These rules included restrictions on how our home could be used and rules around not hurting one another or our relationship.

In the beginning, I took it all very hard. I was very possessive. I tried to comfort my wife when she came to me with “Why doesn’t [other partner] love me?” I gave her advice. I supported her. But above all, I tried to make her mine.

More recently, when she got the hots for her coworker (closer to her age), I tried everything I could. First, I said “don’t tell me”; then, I said “tell me”; then, “don’t tell me” again. Then, I sought advice from all possible quarters including new books I mentioned before. Now, I’ve renounced my old ways. I no longer attempt to possess my wife.

In fact, I’ve made her life less difficult by agreeing to let her use the spare bedroom while I’m not there. The remaining stipulation were unchanged. She accepted. I love her very much. She loves me very much too. The conversations and debates we’ve had were nothing short of enlightening.

So what’s the problem? Here I am, on a business trip. I know my wife intends to seduce her coworker. I decided to nudge him too and told him to go for it. And I think he did. And she did. And last night I got barely four hours of sleep because all I could see in my mind’s eye was my wife and her coworker. It’s not even the sex. It’s the tender moments — her nuzzling into his chest, the cuddling, all that other tender stuff.

More variables: My wife says she’s not polyamorous (just non-monogamous), but she’s clearly pined for men she couldn’t have while still loving me. Is she wrong? I think I’m polyamorous (I also happen to be bisexual), because I’ve loved (and been in love with) certain men and women simultaneously, but, as I keep discovering time and again, my mind revolts against me when I try to force it back into online dating, going out, [sex work], etc. (all of which my wife encourages me to do); the emotional part of my mind wants none of it; it wants my wife to be all things for me.

Now, I know this is unfair and impossible. I just really, really, really need help with breaking this cognitive dissonance! I know how I must act, but why is it so hard. Moreover, all the reading I’m doing is suggesting that jealousy is still a normal factor in non-monogamous relationships

Is our relationship doomed? Or should I explain to my wife my needs better? How, even if she’s having a party on Saturday night, she can still send me a message back every once in a while to show me she’s thinking of me and/or cares about me? Or is this still wrong to want from her? Am I not being self-reliant enough? What is going on?

This…”crash course” in the “true nature of things” has certainly been hard, but I’m also quite an apt student. What am I missing? What do I need to be happy? Is there anything I can keep the relationship going without being tortures so terribly, or is it already forfeit?

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.