Too good to be triad

Photo by Levi Guzman on Unsplash

I’ve been in a relationship for almost nine years, well, not exactly in 2017 we broke up. After the birth of our child life became hell, we had tons and tons of arguements, but the worst part for me at least was that she did not want any more sex with me. She suffered every time we had it, she started to hate man and liking women more (she always had crushes for other women, we had a couple of one night stand threesomes in the past). We always had more hetero normal friends and couples than any gay/lesbian friends, except for a small group of friends of hers that were lesbans, however after our child was born, she started to hang out only and ONLY with gay people. The relationship became alcohol abussive and violent until one night i found her in bed with another women and we ended b

My self esteem was on the ground, i felt so unnatractive and so gross for the fact that i turned my exwife into a lesbian! I even had some suicidal thoughts, but of course, when you’re a father you have to keep your shit together, i was able to recover my self esteem, and started dating again, and after some months when we fought about tuition and some separation issues we started to hang out again super nicelly, she worked at home with another girl (which i suspected was her partner from day one). Theyh seemed happy, and we had a really cordial relationship when i came only for visit one or two days in the month.

I had a lot of sex, at first due to insecurity problems i had to pay, but after a while i was again full of confidence and tinder girls and club girls and old girlfriends started to appear in my sex life that was before that destroyed.

I went to do a masters degree in germany for most part of this year, there i met an old girlfriend, there was always a sexual tension between, we knew each other from college, we started dating, and wow, what a relationship, more sex that i ever had, and not only the amount of it but also the quality of the orgasms, of the excitement, of the desire.

Eventually my exwife realised i was in a relationship and she started asking if i was happy, if i had forget about her etc etc. I said i was and that i really cared about her and our child, that i really used to love her very much, we cried over the phone, she said she wanted to pick me at the airport with our kid and ask me if we can try it again. I said to her it is too late.

Soon after she came out with her new girlfriend (which was of course the nice girl she works with). We started a life outside the capital city with my new girlfriend, but sometimes we have to go to the capital to do stuff you cant do in town. At first i stayed at some friends house, and only went (without telling her) to my ex wife’s house to play with my kid and say hello. Until one night i stayed there with them and had a couple of drinks, they both said that they have a crush on me, that they think i’m the best man on earth but that they are both into girls rather than men. I said i feel flattered but i cannot be with someone i cannot have sex with. Her new partner (the coworker) said to me, “i could have sex with you every day, you are handsome and smart and i think you are very attractive”. We laughed and i left, but of course with the whole idea in my head.

Later we started to have kinky videochats, they would answer my video phone calls without any clothes off, they would have sex on camera for me to watch, it was impossible for me to hold up any more.

In my next visit we ended up having sex, we were all pretty nervous so it wasn’t great (and i will tell you later why not), but it still was very romantic, with a lot of love and care, we cuddled and slept like babies, i never felt so loved in my life. We talked, my ex wife said i should break up with my GF, the co worker said i shouldn’t cause it woudn’t be fair cause right now (for working reasons) we cannot be together as a family (the three of us). So we ended up concluding we would keep the secret.

Two days ago we had another series of encounters, and this time it was mind blowing, awesome, the most pleasant, the most amazing, the most… i have no words to describe sex i ever had in my life. It was kinky but still with lots of love and respect, it was quite heavy to see in one moment, one on top on each other, rubbing their bodies, moaning of pleasure while i only watched but even if it was a little akward i swear i did not feel jealous in any moment, cause i felt i was being treated with lots of respect.

Now we have a plan, i have to finish a lot of stuff away from the city, i have to build a life here, that will take a couple of years, the thing is that nobody lives in this little town and i dont want to be alone, that is why i dont break up wuth my GF, cause i need her, but she would never understand this polyamorous thing. The idea is keep the triad until we can all move to the countryside and live the life we want without anyone messing around.

But im afraid

i’m afraid of hurting my new GF, she has been nothing but nice and complacent with me.

I’m afraid of being alone here

I’m afraid of going to a crazy party with my triad and that they end up having sex with other people without an invitation for me at the party (this is like feeling jealous, i dont like jealousy i think this is the key for non monogamists)

What will my friends and family say? They already have a problem with my ex wife being a lesbian because a kid should have a straight couple as parents (yes both friends and family are huge conservatives, i’m not).

But most important, i’m afraid my ex wife will stop loving me at one point, cause t this point i’m starting to develop strong feelings for her again, and for our new partner too. Everything has been amazing till now, but everything is like that at the honeymoons. I really want to be with them, it is like a dream, but i’m afraid in the end it will be like that… a dream

Everything is new for me, i had thought for a triad for a long time but i did not even know the term triad. So a little advice would be very helpful, thanks a lot.

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.