When non-monogamy hurts

Photo by Sam Austin on Unsplash

Let me start by saying I’ve always been a monogamist. I was married for over twenty years before my wife and I divorced. Last year I met someone I’ll call Lily. Lily and her girlfriend had been together for over 10 years. They had lived together briefly before Lily’s partner moved to another city, yet they were still maintaining their status as partners. I got the feeling that Lily was not very happy in this relationship, that it was unfulfilling, the two of them were rarely if ever intimate, she was very lonely, and from what I observed, her partner took advantage of her by doing things like dumping her dogs on her to take care of for the weekend.

It didn’t take long before Lily and I acknowledged our mutual attraction, and after weeks of flirtation and some intense make-out sessions, we ended up sleeping together a few times. Lily found out during this time that her girlfriend *may* have been cheating on her (although I never knew this for sure). Lily was very upset, even though she was doing the same thing. By all observation, I thought their relationship was doomed. I went full-throttle into pursuing something with Lily. By all regards, Lily is perfect for me — physically and intellectually — and we have the best sexual chemistry ever.

As time has gone on, though, Lily and her girlfriend have stayed together. She sent me a link to an article on polyamory at one point, and I think she is truly in love with both me and her partner. She has told me she loves me, and though she tried to play it off as something she says to her friends, her actions say otherwise. As far as I know, the partner doesn’t know Lily and I have been physical, although she knows we spend a lot of time together — movies, dinner, TV, etc. I’ve met the girlfriend several times (very awkward) and had dinner with both of them a few times. I think the girlfriend is beginning to suspect there is something going on. Lily says she has made surprise visits to Lily’s apartment, and I think she’s hoping to catch Lily and me together.

Lily has not actually said she wants to be anything but a FWB with me. But as much time as we’ve spent together, I’ve fallen in love with her. I couldn’t help it. If I had known she and her partner were never going to split up I would NEVER have gotten involved with her. For now, I think Lily is comfortable with the situation. I’ve seriously thought of how I would feel about being in a polyamorous relationship (although I could never be in a triad as I am not the least bit attracted to her partner). I love Lily to the point I would almost consider such an arrangement, but only if all parties agreed to it. And I have no idea if the girlfriend would be open to it or not. But then I have to wonder what the future would be for Lily and me. I can’t see myself staying in that kind of situation long-term.

I’m wondering if I just need to break things off with Lily, painful as it would be. I don’t have any experience with polyamory, and I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. What’s your advice?

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.