When reassurance means denial

Photo by Nicole Mason on Unsplash

My wife and I sat down after our one year anniversary, and she advised me that she has always been polyamorous and wanted to experience this part of herself. I am a monogamist, and even though I do not fully understand this, I told her that I was willing to be understanding and trusting while she does this. She has met someone, and they have a good connection, and a lot in common.

I guess I have this stupid fear that I am not good enough anymore and she can find someone that is on the “same wavelength” that she is. It has been very hard on me, I feel okay for a little bit, and then some negative feeling gnaws at me and makes me sad, angry and jealous all over again. I am finally going to seek therapy to assist me in dealing with my demons.

My wife has told me that this is not something that she wants to do for the rest of her life (as we have decided to have children soon), and that this part of her will only make us stronger. We will be able to communicate better, and have a stronger bond. She has always been honest with me, and I know that we have been through so much in the two years that we have been together. I want her to be who she is, and I accept all of her, because I love and do not want to lose her.

Also to note, my wife has never made me doubt her love for me. She said that she married me because i am her life partner, and I am her life and that she loves me a lot. I just cannot understand why I am constantly seeking unnecessary reassurance from her all the time and causing a rift between us.

Can you please give me some advice that may just give me some ease while i deal with this? How long until it gets easier? What recommendations do you have for someone that is really trying to make this work? Your input would be greatly appreciated.

This column has been moved to the Non-Monogamy Help website.