Week 1 Recap

It’s fantasy football season, and week 1 is in the books!

Of course, par for course, as a typically taught in an academic course on fantasy football, I dominated the week. However, you all catch a break with both David Johnson and Allen Robinson, my #1 RB and #2 WR respectively, going to IR for the season. I guess that evens it out for all you plebians.

Top awards of the week also go to BigMaggs and DK — DK especially is lucking out, as it seems that Ezekiel Elliot will be playing the full season.

The fuckboi of the week award goes to two fuckbois — our first pair of basement dwellers — DreDay and MiniMaggs. It’s a feat in itself to start the season off as a fuckboi, however just as they shared the garden apartment in OBX, these two fixtures in the Outer Banks palace dungeon have found their way to the bottom of our fantasy football league to start the year.

MiniMaggs left T. West and C. Fleener on the bench, which would have found a much better place in his flex in place of E. Decker. DreDay, in no fault of his own, left Sam Bradford on the bench. He would outperformed Mariota by a wopping 13+ points (31.4 vs 18.8).

The only explanation for this piss-poor performance can be tied back to a late night game of pretend between these two earthworms that involved a dreidel and a discussion surrounding early Jewish culture.

DreDay, trying to drive home the point that the dreidel was developed by Jews who illegally studied the Torah while hiding in caves, wanted to simulate this tradition with MiniMaggs. Sitting in the dark of their cavern of slumber, they spun that dreidel. With each spin, their smiles grew larger and their eyes grew wider.

Then, out of the darkness, DreDay noticed a light. This white light started as a pin drop but quickly grew in size until it was shining on them both with the light of a thousand suns.

MiniMaggs began to audibly sob as a wave of spiritual cleansing overtook his body. He began to tremble, tried to stand up, but found that he had no control over his muscles.

All the while, DreDay began to chant the words —

“what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,…what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

MiniMaggs began to let out a louder cry, with tears running down his face. As the light grew brighter and brighter, both men felt that the hand of God was reaching out to touch their souls.

Just then, they heard the spoken word —

“What the fuck are you guys doing?”

BigMaggs flips on the light switch, and is seen standing in the doorway in his boxer briefs with his iPhone in his hand, flash light still on.

Mike, can I borrow your phone charger? Julie forgot her’s at home and is using mine.

MiniMaggs dug through his bag and pulled out his phone charger, handed it to his brother while wiping tears from his eyes, and turned off the bedroom light.

To this day, DreDay and MiniMaggs swear to moment of divine intevention that ties them together at the atomic level. This performance in fantasy football, another shocking piece of proof, seems to lend credence to their claim.

Back to the waiver wire, MrLatini got the HOT pickup of the week, snagging Tarik Cohen. If we look at the bids, we see 5 other teams were trying to scoop him up.

That’s all for this week, stayed tuned for a week two recap coming after next weeks game.