Week 3 Recap

Richman steps out onto the patio of his luxury Morristown, NJ apartment and takes in a deep breath of the fresh evening air. Just a few days past the autumnal equinox, there is an uncharacteristically weighty heat present.

He looks down at his watch, the time reads 10:41pm EST. Just moments ago, he conceded defeat to his lifelong rival, JaFizzle. Two minutes have passed, and still no word from the Fiz.

Richman thinks back to his words, typed so eloquently earlier in the week over gchat to DRock and JaFizzle.

My fantasy team is gonna win it all this year … my team is legit stacked. I should finish top 2 in total points IMO

He gently bites his lip and skittishly glances off to the corner of patio where he enjoyed a polish sausage smothered in mustard earlier in the day. He’s cutting carbs so he passed on a roll. Two drops of mustard can still be seen staining the freshly poured cement. A colony of ants, surprised by their luck, are working to package up the goods and stash them away for a long winter.

Another text he sent via group chat pops into his mind.

Live by Brady.. die by Brady.. today I live on to beat Ja in fantasy football. Nice try homie.

Sent just hours earlier, shame envelopes Richman as he sees his whole reality collapsing around him. Tiny beads of sweat start to form around his brow as he thinks to himself, fuck it’s hot out for 11pm.

Meanwhile, JaFizzle is still staring at the text from Richman conceding defeat. It’s been 8 minutes and 37 seconds since he received the message and has yet to break gaze with his Android device. The Fiz has made no external expression changes, yet internally there is a party raging. Strippers, smoking expensive cigars, are blowing smoke directly in JaFizzle’s face. My Chemical Romance, his favorite band, is on a stage 10 feet away providing a private concert. Surrounding him and the strippers are thousands of broken iPhones, the screens shattered and the batteries exploded. The strippers, in a chorus of words, are repeating that fateful text sent by Richman.

Congrats bozzy you came back from the depths on this one

The imaginary strippers keep repeating those words.

Congrats bozzy you came back from the depths on this one … Congrats bozzy you came back from the depths on this one …

Nine minutes pass, and JaFizzle can’t take it anymore. He unzips his pants and begins to masturbate furiously, staring at those little pixels that so beautifully combine to create the most powerful statement he has seen in years.

Congrats bozzy you came back from the depths on this one

Check back to Richman, and he’s now laying on the cement patio staring up at the stars. His oxford loafers have been slightly scratched on the heel from the rough cement, but he doesn’t care.

As he stares off in the sky, he thinks back to how he got here. He goes over scenario vs. scenario vs. scenario.

But how? Tom Brady scored 45.72 points. Live by Brady, die by Brady?

Richman awakes in the morning to find his fiance standing over him, puzzled look and all. He spent the night on the patio, falling asleep running calculations in his mind. He then realizes that he’s completely naked except for his oxford loafers. The indian summer heat combined with the shocking loss to JaFizzle was too much for his poor little body to handle.

He reasoned it was because of the heat. But in reality, the gravity of what had happened finally reached it’s breaking point and Richman needed to cleanse himself of his former fantasy football persona to rise like a pheonix from the ashes. He vowed to win week 4 at any cost, and that is what he intends to do.

Well week 4 was a real doozy! We had a ton of close matchups that came down to MNF and, for the most part, every team performed pretty well.

But before we get started, can we all take a moment to recognize how unlucky DanTheMan is? In ever so StoneBoy fashion,he managed to give DanTheMan his 3rd straight loss of the year with a final score of 143.22–142.22.

Looking further at what DanTheMan has done so far, we find that he has scored the 2nd MOST points in the league (behind only yours truly), and yet he is 0–3. Meanwhile, StoneBoy, again does just enough to keep his winning record alive.

DanTheMan now shares the basement with MiniMaggs, who was seen spinning a dreidel repeatedly during Monday Night Football.

Looking at some other matchups, we see DK getting a surge from Ezekiel Elliot late in Monday nights game to push him past DreDay. At this point DreDay must be feeling the heat, again leaving a key contributor on the bench (Taylor Gabriel, 18pts) that would have propelled him to victory.

In the battle of the brothers, we saw BigMaggs take down MiniMaggs in classic form. BigMaggs was able to overcome a -4 point performance by Baltimore defense and nail his little bro to the bottom of the standings. Meanwhile, BigMaggs has quietly built himself a 3–0 record, sitting at the top of the league.

MrLatini again continues to be the waiver wire darling, scooping up the surging Geronimo Allison from waivers. Depending on the injury situation in GB, Allison has proven he can put up points with ARod throwing him the ball.

I’ve gotta give the winner of the week to JaFizzle. Watching the late surge by Larry Fitz take down Richman was pretty impressive. And if anyone hasn’t figured it out by now, Richman wins the fuckboi of the week award.

On to week 4, good luck!