03 — Things I didn’t get to say

Dear — — —

I thought I would miss you but I don’t. My days are filled with the usual adventures, so it’s not to say that I’m some heartbroken chap who’s out for closure. But every so often I do have to admit that I would think of you. I don’t miss you like that. I know we weren’t lovers or anything for that matter. I’m not crazy, you know… Or at least I would like to think that. But I just can’t prevent those thoughts from popping up, from time to time. I would try to remind myself of your scent. I would try to conjure images of your face. I would try to replay the times when you would stick out your tongue at me. But most of all, my stupid sense of nostalgia would take me back to those wonderful moments where everything was as perfect as it could be.

And somehow I was too scared to kiss you. And you can call me crazy too, but I think that you were too scared to kiss me as well…

I get it. You had a boyfriend. You’ve been in a relationship ever since we met. We met by chance and we grew close by choice. We went deeper than most friendships was supposed to go. You grew comfortable, and so you started to entrust me with your biggest fears, your strongest desires and your biggest hopes and dreams. That was the beginning of the end. You showed me who you really were, behind that beautiful exterior of yours. You revealed the fragile creature who, in truth, was exceedingly more beautiful than your physical shell could ever be. I fell in love with your ambitions and your struggles.

When I found out it was too late. And so there was only one way out. The truth shall set you free they said. Well I had no choice but to tell you the truth. I could no longer look with indifference, and so it became too hard for me to stay. I sometimes think back to the night where I told you the truth; that I had fallen for you, and that it was too painful for me to stay. There were lots of thing that I didn’t get to say that night. To say that conversation was one of hardest in my life would not be an understatement.

So here I am, late at night, trying to figure out what exactly it is that I didn’t get to say to you. By now this is the fifth time I’ve scrapped whole pages of texts, just to begin again, at the blank pages. I’ve tried all kinds of vague metaphors and analogies, but it seems that the only way for me to finish this piece is to be fully clear and true. I was also planning on recounting some of my most cherished memories with you, but I’ve now realised that it’s something only we have shared. And so it should stay that way.

Writing this has been very cathartic for me. I’ve been trying very hard to come up with some fancy line to end this piece, some form of final farewell. But I have to disappoint you, I have nothing to say to you… But I guess I do need to thank you. Now I’ve realised that there is nothing more for me to do but to take a deep breath, and be thankful for all those moments we did get to share.

Those moments will always be a part of me. Those are the moments that I could never want to forget.

Sincerely
Your’s truly