The Lonely Road to Self-Discovery
When I got back to my regular life from my 2 week long contact classes for my Masters program, I was bursting with things to share.
The things I had seen, heard, felt, thought, spoken, experienced — were out of this world. I could not contain myself. And I was soon on a spree to share it with any living being I came in contact with.
Unfortunately for me, no one could match my enthusiasm. No one really understood what I was talking about. And most of the time the response I would get, subtly and not so subtly, would be along the lines of — you seem to be crazy.
At this point, I was not just disheartened, I was crest fallen. I couldn’t believe I was struggling to connect and tell my story. I was struggling to communicate with my very own people. And for a moment I did think — I seem to be crazy.
But it was in that moment of sinking that a realisation dawned on me. The road to self-discovery is lonely. I don’t mean this with a sad undertone.
Togetherness is important, but THIS journey is not meant for that.
They have told us all our life that we should be more sociable, surround ourselves with people, bring joy into others lives, live for others a bit, and what not. There is so much stress on joyful togetherness, that I guess the whole essence of discovery of the self is lost.
It is only now after the rigorous 2 weeks of classes that I see, that the road to self-discovery has to be trudged alone. It’s not a party.
Self-discovery becomes possible essentially through intense reflection and introspection. It becomes possible by carefully and consciously peeling off layer after layer the mysteries of one’s own mind. In my experience it has often been an excruciating process. It feels like cutting through your own skull.
My course revolves around the design of learning, thus my self-discovery becomes deeper as I dive into the different ideas of learning. It is not as straight forward as sitting by the beach and reflecting on myself. It’s a lot of detours where I dig into my subjects, and through this digging in, I observe my thoughts, patterns, and other skeleton’s in my closet.
Why does this have to be lonely?
Because… to really get into the depths of the subjects I’ve got to disconnect myself from everything around me. Even if I am among people, a certain level of mental isolation needs to be attained to have a break through.
And because the content and the learning is very experiential, it becomes terribly hard to discuss it with other people. It is a painful struggle to have a conversation about your break through or revelations. You can’t compare notes, or seek comfort in other people. Because as much as they will be there for you, they won’t really get it. And the more you try to communicate, the more isolated you feel.
I guess that’s what makes it lonely; the inability to communicate and express to others.
I know the picture painted can come across glum and depressing. However, after the initial shock passed, I don’t mind plodding alone anymore.
You know why?
Because it makes me feel like I an aspiring ninja, or a disciple under the tutelage of a zen master. I have heard so many tales of unattainable higher order self discipline and personal mastery, that is beyond the reach of most men and women.
After accidentally stumbling into this course, I feel I am now trudging on this very path of personal mastery.
Where my solitary perseverance on this lonely road takes me… only time will tell.
