Antiques Roadshow 2279 AD
Antiques Roadshow is coming to you live from the decimated android battlefields of Austin, Texas! I’m Jalor Tamogorg III, 4th Prefect of Terra Alpha. Plasma bombs have been falling all morning, eradicating most of our production crew, but we have some special pieces of history to share with our viewers who are still alive.
Huddled in an abandoned munitions factory, we turn to a relic from a 21st century conflict:
Grandar Tanook (Elishag Automated Antiques - Glasgow Province): Tell me a little bit about this mechanical dog creature you’ve brought in today.
Sally Mugglap: Well, it’s been in my family for at least 4 generations. During the Techno Salamander uprising of 2097, my great, great Grandfather ordered this build-it-yourself defensive sentry unit to protect the bunker he was living in. I think it’s a Canine Deathstrike Mark IV model, but the story has been muddled over the generations. Apart from that, I don’t know very much.
Grandar Tanook: First of all, this is indeed a defensive sentry unit from the Techno Salamander uprisings. These units were mass produced by Alopecia International primarily for defensive purposes. However, these units were known to turn on their owners and were discontinued once the Mark V came out. In fact, if we can zoom in on the mandibles, you can see some petrified remains of human flesh.
Sally Mugglap: I never noticed that! Well, my Grandfather was allegedly murdered by his defensive sentry unit but they never found the body.
Grandar Tanook: Looks like some of the remains are still lodged in here! How about that.
Sally Mugglap: I can’t believe it! Hey Grandpa Stephen!
Grandar Tanook: Any idea of the value?
Sally Mugglap: A technician scanned the unit a few months ago and then robbed me of all the possessions I had in my hover cart, so I’m not entirely sure.
Grandar Tanook: The condition is quite good and it appears to be in working order, although we aren’t going to activate it right now. The human remains are a special touch which collectors highly value, particularly in these units. I would say a conservative estimate would be between 3 or 4 supplement implants.
Sally Mugglap: Oh my stars! Praise Jaloopa!
Grandar Tanook: Praise Jaloop indeed. You’ve got quite a treasure on your hands. Thanks for bringing it in.
Jalor Tamogorg: Praise Jaloopa! I’ve just been informed that Rador paramilitary shock troopers have napalmed the shield protecting our position, so let’s look in on our next appraisal.
Eltop Sugan (Ducksauce Prego Auction Galleries - Prescott, New Britannia): Human creature 11768, state the know history of this object.
Greg “11768” Danny: This sidearm belonged to my father, who passed away twice from wounds he suffered in eight different confrontations with the Slime Worm “Debrah”. This Slime Worm was a creature of legend until the year 2187 when treasure hunters, one of which was my father, discovered it’s crystalline lair in the mountainous region of Earth’s Kill-Kill-Death-Death subsection C12, east of the Himalayas.
Eltop Sugan: Your details of the Slime Worm hunt are correct and have been confirmed by my colleagues who exist only in the confines of the ether. However, this object is not what you have described.
Greg “11768” Danny: Oh really? So it’s not a laser gun?
Eltop Sugan: This object is a Beating Tube used for beating and bludgeoning. The tube is composed of a diamond/carbonite fiber weave and is designed to mimic the shape of a Clandon blaster. This item is illegal under the Judas Treaty of 2155. You will be taken into custody and subjected to 42 cycles of beating.
Greg “11768” Danny: *being detained* So how much is it worth?
Eltop Sugan: It’s value is unknowable. Prepare for your beating, heathen.
Jalor Tamogorg: If we survive this incoming volley of magma artillery, we’ll be back next week for a look at several antiques from the early 22nd century artist Landon Pennygargarshoop-click-click-gajashar-plunker-dunker-oopsy IX. Until then, Praise Jaloopa!
