I Wanna Know What Glove Is: Rock Group Foreigner Become Spokesmen for Isotoner
Glove manufacturer Isotoner announced Monday morning that the band Foreigner would be the official spokesmen for their newest line of lower-middle class business gloves now used for gardening and murder, SkinGrips®.
“I mean, the gloves are just incredibly grippy,” said Lou Gramm, lead singer for legendary rock group, Foreigner, “plus I spent all of the band’s cash on like 400 lbs of vaping pens so we need endorsement money from virtually any source. You know vaping is hip now, right? We’re still cool and relevant.”
Longtime Foreigner band manager Fred “juicebox” Douglas released a statement that the band was “happy to be representing such a neat and maybe profitable brand.” He then threw a machete at a picture of Lou Gramm and muttered something like “you ruined my life” or “maybe I could’ve been a successful accountant.”
Isotoner CEO and heir to the Janitorial Overalls LLC fortune, Blayne Weathergourd, appeared happy and jovial when talking to reporters about the announcement. During his speech the hit song “I Want To Know What Love Is” played over some nearby laptop speakers, the only difference being that the original word “Love” had been badly overdubbed with the word “Glove” and a weird flute loop had been added to the track.
Weathergourd was quoted as saying, “Gee, I sure do like gloves. I mean, I REALLY like them. If I were a consumer, like you all here today, I would buy gloves so much that I’d have a pair for each day of the year! Foreigner is a rock band who is still churning out the hits, just like my totally not struggling company, Isotoner.” Weathergourd then went into a trance and the words “Isotoner Still Matters” miraculously hovered above his 20-gallon hat.
Guitarist Mick Jones, who has been with the band since 1976, released his own statement in the form of an 8-track tape. Once someone finally found a working 8-track player, it was discovered that the guitarist had accidently recorded backing vocals for the band’s soon-to-be-released songs “Smokey Bar Lungs” and “Tiger Love Railyard” over his initial audio press release. When contacted by telephone, Jones, who was clearly intoxicated, just belched the entire alphabet in Russian.
Look for Isotoner’s SkinGrips® line of gloves at any of those weird kiosks in the middle of shopping malls that also sell terrible magic trick kits and those smartphone cases that have glitter all over them.
