Slightly Damaged Cat Urn

This is a limited time offer. Get it while it’s hot. Slightly damaged cat urn for FREE. Wow, what a great offer. But wait, you don’t have a cat? But wait, you enjoy pulling pranks on friends and family? But wait, that’s all I have?

Here are some things to do with a Cat Urn for the person who doesn’t have a cat:

• Place fake flowers in the urn and inform people the nutrients from your deceased feline give the floral arrangement that year-round shine.
• Become a bartender and use the urn to prepare unique cocktails. Tell horrified patrons that the ashes give their Whiskey Sour that special kick.
• Fill it with black pepper and sprinkle the seasoning on the overcooked chicken thighs you made for your friends at an impromptu dinner you guilted them into attending.
• Pull up to a stoplight blaring Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” and plant a smooch on the urn. Slowly turn and make eye contact with the driver next to you.
• Put the urn on your desk at work and begin quietly weeping when coworkers ask you for help with a project. Gradually increase the volume of your weeping, letting your fake tears fall into the opening of the urn while the unsettled employees slowly back away. Return to browsing Amazon once they’ve left.
• Deliberately get pulled over by a police officer for speeding. When he asks if you realize how fast you were going, look over at the urn you have strapped in the passenger seat and loudly ask, “David, why didn’t you tell me we were exceeding the posted speed limit?!”
• Tell your wife you love her. Then give her the urn and cartwheel through the front door of your house, never to be seen again.
• Attend the wedding of a close friend while holding the urn. When the priest asks if anyone objects to the marital union stand up and announce, “If I can’t marry the ashes of my dead cat, why do we permit these two to wed? Is there no justice in this world?”
• Pour an entire bottle of Gatorade into the urn and guzzle it down post-workout at the gym, gazing wildly at the large muscle men lifting weights. Shout, “Now I possess the strength of a hundred souls! Now I will show you what true strength is!” Smash the urn against the wall and lift an empty box that you wrote 20,000 lbs on with a Sharpie. Cartwheel into the parking lot, never to be seen again.

Did you like this story? That’s odd. You might want to see a doctor and get yourself checked out. Seriously.