modern addiction

if i refused, would you take me for a coward?

the call to say no, that’s the subject under discussion. and there are plenty of times in life when you have to say no. fortunately, sometimes, it’s easy! saying it most of the time is as simple as this:

“thanks for asking me but, no.”

so if i were to refuse

would you take me for a coward? catch me crying in the shower? but i wasn’t scared — at least none of you know how it feels, self-righteous and empowered: i was but a delicate flower in need of care. i turn to face the sunken, “look what you’ve done to me.” all because you can’t fill the space in your heart’s place so easily. you say you had it under control, you know i can’t fill the hole he left you. maybe if i could give it at all — i wouldn’t hesitate for a minute. i would illuminate you with my love.

we were like an empty glass

these things weren’t built to last, so, put your face on, and smile when they talk to you. it’s not too hard, show complete disregard for anybody but yourself. i hate it when you touch me, but i kept it under wraps. get bored during foreplay, and i think we’re getting fat. tried to go the distance, but we’re only wasting time. who’re we kidding? this is our divide. need to go our separate ways, i’m too scared if you stay. we’ll hold another grudge, who am i to judge? if i will wake up one day and miss you too much. yeah, we play with high stakes, it’s a risk i need to take. dirty beds and motels, cast your spell on someone else. but you, you’ll be happy over time, thank fuck for our decline.

feet on sullen ground

it’s my simple need, hands tired and feet are bound, i won’t let you leave. 5000 miles away across the sea won’t hear me cry at night, you can’t come for me. i’m not myself today, there’s something in the way. it’s the distance in between us, tried to forget. been praying for a miracle but nothing’s happened yet. you said,

“there’s nowhere on earth i’d rather be away from prying eyes and false company.

👁️‍🗨️”

it comes and goes, will you let me know? because i feel so hypnotised, i can’t describe the ebb and flow with space to grow, it moves so slow. babe in the light: you don’t define me, you don’t define me, you don’t define me.

crawl back from whence you came

i don’t need an ocean in between us, i just wanna know i’m safe. death is the engine of life: i’m on a road paved with gold and i’m about to find out why i’m so alone. i don’t wanna wait out, give me a minute to let it all sink in. i don’t even care about what you did it’s about who you did it with. God, feel so betrayed, i never thought i’d see the day hanging on by a thread. should’ve been me instead. won’t you stay a while? and don’t you hide away. i got you slipping from my fingers, day to day, i didn’t say i’ll come crawling back to you.

tell me how it is

we’re one step closer, we’re moving slower on the right tracks. tell me how it is: we’re moving forward, we’ve been so tortured by all of this. i can think of nobody but you as you’re pulling on my soul. no, you won’t let go, you’ll let me know i’m apart of everything you do. like an island surrounded by a deep blue sea you’re the waves that push and pull against me, you wash me away, bit by bit, i will slowly erode till there’s nothing left. if you want me like that, that’s who i’ll be. and if you love me right back, i could be anything. it’s like this and it’s like that, i think i’m starting to crack — then you’ll leave and come back, the odds are starting to stack, against me.

violence

i’m tongue tied, nothing to say

i guess we’ll do it your way. i’m speechless in a state of decay, don’t think i’ll last another day. you were timeless, loving you was priceless in every single way, your defiance’s enough to keep me silenced. glistening skin like you’re soaking wet — no, i haven’t stopped hoping yet and my love runs deep inside your bones you said, “i’m sorry,” again, then you let me go. got a glimpse of the other side showing me where your love resides but you won’t let me in, and i kissed your neck where the sweat, it dried. your salty skin a perfect white but you won’t let me in. it’s the sound from my heart breaking, you just keep on taking till there’s nothing left. well i have spent all of my time and all of my days trying to win your love or a reason to stay with either

1. fighting
2. or living in silence

why are you staring at your phone?

there’s nobody in there with a life worth living. nobody in there that isn’t wishing they were just an empty shell. no substance, no purpose, another from the circus. direction, connection, got another mention. what does it mean? we’re all machines. i’ve been thinking how i got here, waking up in a bed that wasn’t mine. i had the strangest of dreams where everything was normal but it wasn’t right: men made of shadow with an awful grin planted the [∅] deep beneath my skin. i wear a face that isn’t mine and do what you please anytime.

control and control me. you cut me open, and pull me apart: a hollow chest instead of a heart. you do what you want with me, till i am spent. so content.

things are starting to change

and we’ve all been left behind, got caught in a daze where civilisation once walked. we have nowhere to go, lost in a dream where we thought we ruled an earth. caught in a spin where life plays Adam of us. trying to hide the truth in plain sight, I took a bite of the fruit before it’s ripe. you know it’s not too late to spit it out, and plant the seeds, watch the roots grow under me — so maybe we’ll make it? falling backwards, passed point as bad things got. i hope we have a soul to meet past the point of repair, with our hands in sickly air. we’ll cherish growth before the cracks and breaks — everybody will pay for what they take. beware the sickness will hold on with God as my witness it’s my existence, hold on to it: to the beat of the rhythm, hold on: and take my reflection. hold on: and wash away the kingdom.

sleep beneath the stars

honey, i have all i need right in front of me waiting in the car. burning all my money on the dashboard for the record. i don’t need it where i’m going, you wouldn’t do it, but i just might. so show me how you made the vow. i’m gonna need you tonight: walking miles in the moonlight. got myself into the wrong so show me where to make amends. watching summer fall — make my heart beat, liking what i see. meet me in the bar: drinking like it’s almost friday, we’re doing my way. i don’t need it where i’m going and i can’t admit, no way of knowing is it cold outside? no way of knowing will you be my guide? i’m gonna need you tonight: tell me everything is alright.

no, i don’t even know anymore

if i’m sick or i found a cure. got a fever and a cold sweat, tried to sleep with the sheets wet. but you stripped me down, wore me to the bone. i am hollow now. nowhere else to go, running to your open arms like you tempt me from the street. i am praying to a prodigal with nothing else to eat. you did this to me when i tried to intervene, tried to make you stop — before you went and hurt somebody else. you can blame yourself and gather dust upon the shelf — you thought you were anyone’s boy, you’re not having me. tried to take my love. i won’t give it up, won’t give it up for you.

only call me cause you need someone to drink with

i’m fine with that. a look of despair on your face. keeps you looking so distinctive, almost instinctive. live your life through a lens, what’s real and what’s pretend? live for the strangers of so called friends. ONLY MONEY WITH A PURPOSE, nobody come disturb us. lay your cheek to the cold sink
we’ll be sifting through a haze for a whole week. trade me in for cheaper thrills no matter what you knock or spill, whatever you have to say to get your way: you’ll never go without again. it’s the fear of missing out when the money’s on the weekend. only got yourself to blame. it’s the sugar soap shower, you’re brushing off the powder.

whenever i’m alone i feel your ghost

your presence is known, i already know too much. what you did in your past life is no business of mine: i would join you and all, but i’m starting until we’ll be fine. looking back, i think that i loved you too much. i was tearing you apart right from the start. we were destined to fail. i don’t know where to begin, look at the trouble i’m in. i could’ve avoided this mess if i’d wanted you left. but you got me all to yourself.

well, perhaps there is a simple answer,

not an easy answer. you and i have a rendezvous with destiny. we’ll preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we’ll sentence them to take the last step into a thousand years of darkness. we will keep in mind and remember that Barry Goldwater has faith in us. he has faith that you and i have the ability and the dignity and the right to make our own decisions and determine our own destiny.

matt xo

(with thanks to tender)

chapter 5, scene.