the chase

i was sitting between chrysanthemums and carnations minding my tenses when i saw the one. yes, the one that grabs you, takes you, and keeps you senseless, restless, with reckless obsession off first impression, shaking, quaking, breaking a sweat, fearful, tearful since we’ve met, but we haven’t… i cant give smiles or even hellos, i tend to cower, hide, and suppress my wits, but i can’t… i fixate while thoughts multiply and in an instant i’m hooked. i believed it would be easy, i believed it would be kind, gentle, and humane, but it is not… i want to depart from this torture, i long to disown this torment strangling my soul from the oxygen of free choice, but i won’t… i choose to stay amid such cruel dispositions, reluctantly i permit this intoxication on the mind, my judgement is impaired and as my priorities shift, i want, i crave, to gratify an insatiable desire meanwhile knowing that i cannot be emancipated from the wisp of such seductive animation with such luscious devastation. see that’s the thing, that’s the snag, that’s what the masses don’t understand. in such a hurried pace, so begins the chase.

i attempt to shift in shrewd progression towards the one. it could sway both ways which taunts me with malice: either the hand shake or the heart break. i muster the strength to be so swift, to be so agile, to be careful, with my words, my engagements, my observations, fundamentally using every resource i have for this acute intention. just a little confidence right? the one looks piercingly into my eyes and with finesse the chrysanthemums laugh as i tremble with anxiety and stutter and stammer and mutter some grammar. i turn inside. as i writhe, i cry out disconcerting pain. how i loathe this foreboding chase.

nil transpires and i’m left in a sombre solemnity. i wish i could explain this bewildering interaction, i wish i could describe this volatile communication. the one occupies my world running rent free inside my mind. i want to take captive these thoughts that i have but i have no restraint nor regard for the longevity of my sobriety alongside society. some may contend my erroneous ways. i contend to disguise my disgrace. blatant embarrassment takes its toll on my integrity. the one is beyond my reaches, and i’m clueless as to what my resulting move shall be. what else do i have to vice my insecurities other than my inscriptions and such. i pen my protest towards the natural order, i rage and detest my infirmity, this uncontainable inadequacy i possess causes me to crumble and shatter as i pursue the one, indefinitely, in chase.

for the time being i contemplate. for the time being i ruminate. i guess my future’s forever desolate. one after one i follow in hunt. one after one i attain no contentment. ultimately i am a slave, a pawn trapped in this game of chase.

when will it end?
when will it be done?
when could i quit this indecent run?

all i ask and all i pray, can’t i be the target,
can’t i be the one?

matt

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