you made a name today.

chris —

you’ve been floating this idea of a confessional-style blog for a couple of weeks now. you’ve been thinking about it because you miss blogging regularly like you did with the thick darkness. you miss learning about yourself and you miss a public way to synthesize all the books and the podcasts and the films you read, hear, and watch into a coherent way of making your way through the world.

you miss it because right now life is sweet but it’s also hard. you’re two months into your new day job in software sales. you really like it, but like all new jobs, it’s rough. on top of that, you and ris work opposite schedules a lot, and you don’t see her as much as you’d like. you love the boys, but it’s really hard a lot of the time because you work all day, then come home and do solo dad duty. then, you work on renerding and any fiction projects or courses or whatever it is that you want to create.

you’re trying to figure out, once again, how to eat healthy, how to exercise, how to get up early, how to meditate, how to do all these healthy habits that you know are good for you, not just because you read a shit ton of medium articles that tell you that’s the reality, but because you’ve actually done them before and you like living that way more. you’re being reminded again that life is constantly in flux. you’re being reminded again that everything is always changing, and that you can either go along for the ride or complain about it.

i digressed a little bit from my point about blogging.

but that’s how life works, right? you’re doing one thing, then another thing comes in, and then you have to go back to the original thing. it’s like meditation — once you realize you’re thinking, you go back to your breath.

once you realize you’re off your life, you go back to it.

so, you’ve had this idea for a couple of weeks. you want it to be this confessional thing, this place to, once again, work out all the stuff you’re reading and figuring out how to live a better, more authentic life. you also like writing without capital letters, and why not do it here?

you decide on medium because you remember that fizzle episode with jonas ellison of higher thoughts where he talked about why he likes medium — it’s pretty, easy to use, allows you the ability to grow a mailing list. and let’s be real — you want this to be authentic and confessional and real, but the very reality that some eyes that aren’t yours are going to read these posts (hopefully?) automatically makes it slightly different. and you can feign all you want that “this is just a creative expression” and “i don’t care if anybody reads it all” but that’s bullshit — why else put it out there?

not that there’s anything wrong with that.

i’m just saying.

so, you went and got a haircut tonight. you were thinking about this blog idea. and the name hit you: “notes from my current self.” and when you heard it, it rang true, the way that creating shit rings true when you know you’ve hit something real. i don’t want to think too much about what the name means, but i think it’s because i’m just writing and not worrying too much about what’s being written. i’m not going to edit tihs. see? i didn’t even fix it.

ok, a brief thought on the name: these posts are notes from the self that is existing in the moment that they are being written. the very nature of writing means that once it’s over, it’s over, and there’s nothing you can do. the person who wrote in the notebook is not the same as the person who reads the notebook.

and the same goes with this. i want to live the life that my core values exemplify. and there’s only one way to do it — just do it. it’s like that zen koan: “before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. after enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.” i love that one. the whole point of zen is just to allow the present to be enough. so here i am, trying to let this happen.

and why this whole self-addressed epistolary (i looked the spelling up on that one) nature? it just feels the most real for this project. i know it’s hokey to write letters to oneself, but fuck hating on the hokey — sometimes the hokey is a good idea.

so, you made a name today. good job. so write this shit. get to it.