The Joys Of Planning My Second Wedding, 20 Years After The First One
I think everyone should plan a wedding in their forties. It’ll probably be the most liberating thing they’ve ever done.
When I got married for the first time — aged 27 — there were expectations to manage. Mostly, they were from family members who wanted us to invite people we didn’t know, serve food we didn’t enjoy, and decorate our (big, very intimidating) venue in colours we didn’t like.
My then-fiancé and I were so eager to make the day special for everyone else, we completely forgot about ourselves. Case in point: one family member insisted we hire a particular DJ, so we did, even though we both found him patronising and weird. When we said we didn’t want a wedding cake, another family member got so upset that we hurriedly ordered one.
I was also heavily pressured to invite my mum. We hadn’t spoken for almost 10 years (now it’s almost 30), but people kept shaking their heads and telling me I’d regret it if she wasn’t at my wedding.
So I invited her. She loomed in the background like a tearful ghost. Guests kept coming up to me to ask if she was OK, and that maybe I should try and cheer her up.
20 years later, my only regret is that I didn’t listen to myself.
I blame The Cusp for ruining my first wedding.
People love a Cusp, because they get to project all their hopes and dreams onto whoever’s teetering on the edge of it.
No-one wants to taint The Cusp with reality, which is why romance novels always finish with a dreamy wedding. Oh, what a happy life these pure young people are about to embark on together! The home they’ll make! The babies they’ll have! The anniversaries they’ll mark! This marriage will last a lovely lifetime!
There’s no romantic, teetering Cusp when you’re in your forties. You’re already tainted. There are wrinkles, baggage, fewer big anniversaries to celebrate, a home that’s well worn-in, and zero chance of babies. No-one cares about taking over your wedding now. Even if they tried, the confidence you’ve acquired with age means you’ll happily tell them to back off.
What’s lovely about planning a wedding now is that it feels real. It’s all about my fiancé and me, rather than our families. In fact, our families will have a minimal part to play. I’m not being ‘given away’ by my dad (I mean really, shouldn’t I be given away by my ex-husband, since it was he who assumed ownership of me 20 years ago?)
My mum isn’t going to be there. There will be no ‘top table’. No seating plan filled with names we hardly recognise. We’ve chosen our own entertainment, food, décor, and venue. They’re a bit rough around the edges and they won’t be to everyone else’s tastes. But by now we’ve been to plenty of other people’s weddings, so we know that if the couple is happy, the magic spreads to everyone else.
I never thought I’d get married again. My first wedding — my first marriage — was too much of a disaster to ever contemplate repeating.
But it won’t be.
