That’s how she knows

Her unease grows. But there’s nothing on the surface.

That early morning time when there’s no reason to get up yet, but also no time to dream, she awakes feeling broken.

She looks in a mirror and doesn’t feel like washing her hair or doing anything at all.

She chooses her partner’s oversized sweater. It brings safety feeling. Big and warm. Too warm for today’s weather.

She can’t eat. Or even think about food. So she drinks a lot of water.

She listens to the same The Killers’ song on repeat the whole morning.

She needs to relax so she thinks about drinking alcohol. And never drinks. She actually doesn’t drink at all and often regrets it.

She feels so insecure that thinks about taking Xanax. But never takes.

She takes vitamins and minerals instead. A, C, D, selenium, magnesium — she has loads of them on her shelf, but she hasn’t taken them since ever.

She can’t decide on anything this day and doesn’t know what to do.

She checks notifs on her phone every 10 min, but there’s nothing to be waiting for.

She goes for a walk thinking it will help and just thinks.

And eventually, she gets it. This tension in her chest. Self-doubt. Anxiety.

Then, she tries to find out what could cause it.

She knows numerous reasons though, but nothing special.

She overthinks it all and then speaks out. Discusses it with her partner.

She goes deeper into her conclusions, lifting some painful memories from the very bottom.

She’s trembling. Talks more, the whole night in his arms.

And she just feels better. There’s nothing scary behind that.

Ups and downs, some kind of normal life.

She falls asleep just before dawn.

The next morning, she wakes up early for a good day, checks her hair and even goes to shower, she doesn’t feel like eating, drinks water, plays her fave songs on repeat, gets vitamins, and checks if they have some wine for friends coming around this evening, though she doesn’t drink alcohol and often regrets about it, then checks her phone a few times waiting for nothing, puts on her fave oversized sweater, and goes for a walk, she thinks.

The more she thinks the more she feels it’s back. In her chest and on her face.

Her unease is like a veil. She wears it quietly. Knowing exactly how to deal with it.

With no obligation though.