On expectation and disappointment

In this essay, I want to explore the phenomenon of disappointment and expectation. There seems to be a cause/effect relationship between the two. To explore disappointment, I must first explore the phenomenon of expectation.

What am I implying, when I say — I expect something from someone?

First it implies that there are two entities — one that expects and the other that one is expecting from. Second, it implies that there is a perception of an agreement of behaviors, actions between the two entities that indicates that there is also a perception of connection between the two. Is there expectation when there’s no connection? I don’t think so. There is also an implication that this agreement of behaviors is understood (whether explicitly communicated or not) by both. When the agreement is fulfilled, there’s peace and when the agreement is not fulfilled, there’s disappointment. Disappointment is experienced as a betrayal of trust. A breaking of the agreement and causes further separation between the two entities.

There are two opposing things occurring simultaneously here.

First, since expectation requires two entities, it means there’s a phenomenon of separation that occurs.

Second, there is also an implication that these two separate entities are connected in some way which means that there is a shared recognition of the connection itself.

So it’s a scenario where there’s a desire for separateness and connection at the same time. That the connection considers and allows my separate self.

Is that possible?

Is it possible to be separate and be connected at the same time?

What is the nature of this separation? What is the nature of this connection?

This idea of separation has been examined in other essays too. It seems this separation is caused by a sense of self — an identity; an accumulation of memories, experiences etc that create the narrative of self. This narrative has a past, a present and a future. It’s where pain resides as fear and desire. It is a static view of oneself. There is a resistance to change from this view. There is a willingness to change if the change contributes to desire or ambition. There is a hesitation to change if it does not contribute to desire and ambition. And finally there is a complete rejection of change if it requires approaching or examining fear and pain.

Connection on the other hand requires me to examine my fear and pain closely. The action of connection is, in fact the action of change. The action of connection destroys all the boundaries put together by pain and fear. It is absolutely, not easy or intuitive and it is painful. It is likened to death. Change is infact death of the identity. It is like experiencing loss. This also connects to the fact that we are living and dying at the same time at a cellular level that is discussed in the essay On Healing. We are in a continuous state of change. We are continuously interconnected. To connect with something is the action of change. There is no connection without change.

If there is no change, there is no connection.

When I connect, I change. When I change, I connect.

When there’s no static “I” to preserve, there is only connection.

So, is it possible to be separate and be connected at the same time?

I don’t think it is possible.

It is hard to accept that it is not possible. The questioning voices ask — but what about me? My life experiences, my story? Can’t there be a spectrum — identity on one side and connection on the other and maybe the truth is that we exist on that scale as a slider? As real as that sounds, it is not true.

It is tempting to quantify and measure this. Unfortunately though, these are not quantities. Identity cannot be measured as a quantity and neither can connection.

For example — How connected do I feel with my daughter? What %?

I cannot answer the question. The connection with my daughter is a quality, not a quantity. It is an unchanging quality of our connection. We are forever connected which means, we are forever changing each other. When I am unaware of this quality and perceive myself as a separate self only changing in small percentages and only partially connected to my daughter, I am rejecting connection. This applies to all relationships.

The moment I refuse to change (knowingly or unknowingly), there is conflict — the game of expectation and disappointment begins.

Knowing and not knowing is entirely dependent on my awareness. When I am aware, fully present, not wandering the corridor of identity, I am attentive to the continuous change.

When I am attentive, I approach my daughter with curiosity and grace; I listen and I communicate better. When I communicate from a state of inattentiveness (focused on self), I am inarticulate, impatient, inconvenienced, easily frustrated.

This inattentiveness is lurking in the corners of everyday mundane activities and chores of life. There is a constant play of identity, ambition, fear, desire, scarcity of time, resources that I’m constantly battling. In those moments, I’m not present, I am unaware; I communicate poorly and I expect everyone else to change and accommodate my unchangeable personality. The result is disappointment which is also contagious. It spreads quickly.

It seems that, awareness transforms expectation into understanding.

Awareness transforms the separation created by expectation into a continuous exchange of information and energy without barriers.

The word “Understand” is made of two words “under” — the etymological root of this word is the Sanskrit word अंतर (antar) — meaning inner, also connected to the Hindi word अंदर (andar) — which means inside, amidst, between. Plus the old English word “standan” which means to stand.

The word “understand” literally means “to stand in the midst of”.

To understand something I have to stand in the midst of it. I have to become a part of it. And…I cannot be a part of it without changing.