5 Things Russia can learn from America’s invasion of Iraq
George W Bush offers Vladimir Putin advice on attacking Ukraine
“You just don’t in the 21st century behave in 19th century fashion by invading another country on a completely trumped up pre-text” — US Secretary of State John Kerry on Russia’s invasion of Crimea
The transcript of a phone-call between George W Bush and Vladimir Putin has been leaked. In it, George W discusses all the ways his decisions on Iraq were completely right and subsequently vindicated by history. He also offers Putin some advice on the Russian president’s invasion of Crimea. Here are George’s top 5 points for illegally invading another country.
(In case it needs saying, this is a spoof. It’s not real. Lighten up.)
1 — Take your time
Don’t just barge into another country. What’s the rush? Spend some time threatening the country first. Massage the international community. Pretend you might actually change your mind or that you don’t really want to do it in the first place. Push a light-hearted resolution through the UN Security Council. Enjoy the foreplay. And then ignore what they say and go in, guns blazing.
2 — Don’t mistake discussion for planning
Discussion is good. Planning is not. Anyone can just up sticks and invade another country — hell, the Brits did it to us once — but it takes planning to really do it well. So don’t plan. We didn’t. There’s no good reason to learn the language, history, culture or politics of the country you’re planning to invade. Planning is for people with too much time. Planning is for people who have time to think. I don’t think. I decide. I’m a decider.
3 — Keep your excuses current
Putin has barely said anything about why he invaded Crimea. I’ve heard people say it’s to protect the Russian minority. This is a silly 19th century justification for war. It’s also messy — people have their own opinions and may give them to international media. Better to use pointless glittering generalities. “Human rights” is good. Also “women’s rights”. “Access to oil” isn’t. Nor is “to secure the headquarters of the Russian Black Sea fleet at Sevastopol”.
4 — Insist on gratitude
Remember some people will always be ungrateful. You can destroy someone’s house or city with shock and awe bombing, maim their child, destroy the office they worked in and the hospital their grandmother relies on, arrest their brother without trial, force their family into exile — and still they will turn around and won’t be happy. As we say in Texas, “Only those people who vote for me matter”. Although since the 2000 election, I don’t even agree with that.
5 — Don’t follow through.
This is vital. We didn’t bother to count the number of Iraqi civilians who died. What’s the point? We didn’t give asylum to the translators who put their lives on the line to work with us, even after we promised to do that. So what? And all those odd traces of depleted uranium around Fallujah that keep deforming babies? We’ll look into it one day. God probably put them there to test us, like he did with the fossils.
Get on with your life, build your presidential library, walk your dog. Don’t worry about the people your wars have impacted. Me, I don’t even follow the news about Iraq any more. I’m sure everything’s fine over there.
Follow @FaisalAlYafai for more such revelations. Or find out How Scottish Independence Looks from the Middle East or Why feminists don’t support the Lebanese skier Jacky Chamoun
(These thoughts, rather obviously delivered tongue-in-cheek, reflect only my opinion, not that of any organisations or institutions I am affiliated with.)
