Restless Heart
Dear restless heart
Be still.
I meditate on stillness while my body and soul yearns to move.
Be still dear heart. Be still.
My son has been taken.
Not given.
Taken.
I sometimes choose to think of him as travelling.
In my mind he is far away, journeying through new territories.
And then I am still.
Suddenly from out of the quiet….
All the ‘shoulds’ stack like teetering acrobats.
They climb onto each other shoulders.
The first one forms a base and braces for the weight of others.
Should have tried harder
Should have fought more
Up the next climbs….
Should have been stronger
Should have lay down and sacrificed your soul
Your body
The last acrobat wearing her sequins and tule enters the arena.
She gestures to the audience and begins to climb.
She mounts the tower and wobbles atop the pile.
She stands and raises her palms to the heavens.
Should have sacrificed
Your. Restless. Heart.
Be still now.
With the same intensity those acrobats use to hold their form
Leaning into each other
Supporting and bearing the weight of each new addition
I focus on being still
Each moment of stillness is held onto and gripped tight as though it might cause my whole body to crumble if I let go.
I try coaxing my heart in hushed tones
Please my love
My dear
Restless Heart
Be still
I once read a description of birthing as having your heart
Suddenly birthed
Appear outside your chest.
I was blessed to feel this.
My son was given the name of an adventurer
Huckleberry
I gifted him this name so that he may wander freely and without fear.
May this be so.
Be still heart.
What words do you use to describe your heart, now outside your body, now no longer within reach?
These emotions are unnamed
They are too vast
Too ethereal
Too primal
All at once.
So I stare at the pile of acrobats and I breathe like they do
Anxious to move even slightly
Be still restless heart.
