40 Ways You’ve Already Messed Up Your Life
I’ve just dragged my way through a milestone birthday. I bet you can guess which one. As is the case with most folks, I’ve been having my fair share of stress and anxiety about it. A lot of questioning myself about what I have or haven’t done thus far and what I will or won’t do in the future. A lot of reflection on the losses I’ve had and my general state of mind. It can be a sad time if you let it be. But one thing that’s helped me relax a bit at times is something we all can lean into just a lil bit more. That’s right, a good old fashioned helping of schaudenfraude. I know I done messed up, but you have too! And what makes us feel better than pointing at other folks’ mistakes? So I figured I’d ring in my own personal new year of aliveness with a nice, eyes wide open reflection on just some of the many ways that we’ve already ruined things. Makes facing the next few decades a little easier knowing you’ve done the same silly things I have and we’re all just wading through these murky waters together. So in no particular order, here’s a toast to all the ways we’ve already screwed ourselves.
1 — Started a podcast
Bro. Sis. Don’t nobody care what you have to say. You spent all those hours talking into that audio equipment you bought off Ebay for what? You poured your heart and soul into giving people relationship advice they didn’t ask for and all for the grand prize of 3 reviews on Apple Podcasts and a weekly share from your cousin. What were you thinking?
2 — Argued on social media
You made your point. You won the argument. You checkmated them. You dropped facts, anecdotes, and posted links. But then Mary Joe from Tulsa just responded with an eye roll emoji and called you a ‘libtard’ or a ‘right wing nutjob’ and got 72 likes in 2 minutes and somehow, you lost. Congrats. You’ve wasted your time and raised your blood pressure up by 3 notches. Or degrees. Or points. It’s actually sad how little I know about how blood pressure is measured as a black man in America.
3 — Danced on tik tok with a caption
If you did this ironically you get a pass. But if you wrote a cutesy little joke and then proceeded to do a completely unrelated dance, you lost. At least you did if you’re over 25. Excuse me while I go yell at some neighborhood kids that just stepped on my lawn.
4 — Failed to let a naysayer know
It eats at you, doesn’t it? Keeps you up at night. Haunts your dreams. That person tried you. Tested you. Had something smart to say at just the wrong time. And what did you do? You did nothing. You stuttered and stammered and just couldn’t find the right words to put them in their place. Or maybe it was an even tougher situation. Maybe it was one of those times where someone really needed the paws put on them, but you just let it go. You tell yourself you were being the bigger person but you definitely don’t feel like it, because you can’t help but think that you still owe them a two piece to their biscuit.
5 — Didn’t come up with something witty to say in time
This is the George Costanza ‘Jerk Store’ memorial item here. Nothing worse than thinking of that perfect comeback 2 minutes too late. What’s even worse is not having one yet shooting your shot anyway and ending up with a Carlton Banks type heave.
6 — Didn’t quit your job in time and got fired instead
You just KNEW your boss had been giving you the side eye for at least the last week. Maybe those 2 hour lunch breaks were starting to get whispered about in the breakroom. Maybe you had a sneaky feeling that the frozen yogurt market was on the downturn and there was only room in your town for 1 TCBY. But you didn’t listen. You didn’t abandon ship on time and next thing you knew you were down at the unemployment office debating whether or not to lie about your previous salary. Stings I know.
7 — Hollered at the wrong friend
Life is about hard choices. And some things are more art than science. When you’re sitting there with a full clip ready to fire off a shot and there are two or more women at the table, sometimes you have to go by feel. Do you focus on the one who’s maybe not as cute but is returning your smile? Maybe at the one whose style you like but doesn’t seem particularly interested in your little jokey jokes? Alas, sometimes you have to just make a choice. And you did. And man was it the wrong one. Somehow, you ended up with the last one out of the bunch you should’ve picked. And you knew it soon. You like her well enough but the next time you met her out and her girls were there? You immediately realized you had way more chemistry with them than her. Now you’re in some silly romantic comedy situation where you like her friend. But this ain’t a movie. Her friend doesn’t want you. And now you’re stuck. Stuck with the Cal Naughton Jr to her girl’s Ricky Bobby. Tough one, champ.
8 — Thought that little piece of trivia you learned would make you look smart
Nobody cares how many digits anteaters have on their left paw, son.
9 — Judged someone based on their musical preference
You really thought you were better than ol boy just cause you listened to MF Doom and he liked Trick Daddy. Why do we think the type of music someone listens to speaks so deeply to their character as a person? I’m not sure but at 17 I absolutely thought I was more intelligent than folks whose favorite rapper was C-Murder. Because Nas was so deep. I know. I’m sorry. And even worse, I just assumed most white folks had terrible taste because they listened to what I called ‘band music’. Again, I know. I’m sorry.
10 — Based your identity on your favorite artist
We tried way too hard. People wore shirts with their favorite band plastered all over it. We wore clothing brands because our favorite artist told us to. Boyz to Men — you read that right, Boyz to Men — even rolled out a clothing brand. And folks bought it. We argued for hours for the moral superiority of our favorite music. Countless well meaning people wore backpacks everywhere in a desperate attempt to align with Mos Def and Dilated Peoples. We needed help.
11 — Tried too hard to be funny
Have you laid in bed at night and cringed thinking about that joke you told that not only didn’t land, but actually had folks looking at you like you’d grown a third nostril? I have. Everyone loves the funny person at the table. Nobody loves the person that tries and fails to be funny. That’s a tough place to be. People aren’t usually mean about it, but you feel their general disappointment in you.
12 — Tried too hard to be mysterious
On TV, the aloof person who avoids saying too much is interesting. An object of interest. They draw people in. In reality, they just get ignored. Too many 1 word answers in a social setting just gets you left alone.
13 — Listened to your dumb friends
I don’t know if you popped a pill you shouldn’t have, broke up with someone who was actually pretty solid, or just wore the wrong fit to a party. It may have been small, it may have been gigantic. Either way, at some point you listened to Shawn or Sean or Bobby or Bobbi and at the very least had your day ruined.
14 — Didn’t listen to your smart friends
At one point you didn’t even know who your smart friends were. In high school ya’ll were all idiots. Maybe one of you was a little brighter but that brightness was still largely overtaken by the sheer stupidity of teenagedom. But you got older. And sometimes you just knew they were right. They told you not to take that job. They told you it didn’t make sense to get that third cat. They dropped the knowledge and then put their hands up like Neil Degrasse Tyson and moved on with their life. Now you have 3 cats with 2 tails between them and some explaining to do.
15 — Let the one get away
Listen, I won’t belabor this. It’s probably a sensitive subject. Even if you have someone now, they weren’t your first choice. Let’s move on.
16 — Thought you could get away without a shower that one time
In the words of the late, great, Charlie Murphy: Wrong! WRONG! You stank. And everyone knew it. All the burgers you flipped that day tasted sour. Shame on you. Tried to get one by folks. Now look at ya. Musty.
17 — Chose the wrong one
Maybe it was for life, maybe it was for a night. Either way, you chose poorly. Now you’re stuck facing the consequences of your own actions.
18 — Did in fact, not pick the right one that day
You probably forgot you weren’t on the internet and popped off to someone in line at the store. Or maybe it was a night out and that courage juice had you gassed up and 2 volume levels above normal. And you found the one that was just waiting on a reason. One 2 piece to your biscuit later and now you’ve got a cautionary tale that you’ll keep to yourself forever.
19 — Had children
Why do we do this? We create these miniature beings that almost exclusively take from us. They provide little to nothing until the day in which they may possibly take care of you at which point you’ve stopped trying anyway. They provide no tangible benefits for you until your main concerns are comfortable shoes and who you choose to share your bundt cake recipe with. It’s not a fair exchange.
20 — Wore a headband with a durag
I don’t know why I included this when it’s undeniable that for like a 2 year stretch this was a fully acceptable way to dress and I definitely felt fly at the time.
21 — Rocked Creative Recreation shoes
The Chrysler 300 of shoes. They looked a lot like objectively better shoes and that was enough.
22 — Put holding gel in your hair to hold your waves
I don’t know if anyone else ever did this. But I’m a pioneer. A trend setter. An explorer, if you will. In my waviest of days (otherwise known as high school) I got a bright idea. It wasn’t enough to constantly brush my hair. It wasn’t enough to wear a durag for 12 hours a night. It wasn’t enough to painstakingly ensure I used the exact right amount of Murrays to get my waves laid tight. Nope. I got the truly ingenious idea to add a step. So in the morning, after I’d pomaded my follicles into oblivion and brushed until I had enough waves to smoothly swag surf on, I decided to take some of my mother’s holding gel and gently smooth it into my dome. By the time I got to school not only would my waves be more buttery than an Amish farm, they’d be stuck there! Frozen in time like Simon Phoenix. It was a brilliant move. Until someone touched your head. Then they’d wonder why they’d just cut themselves on your hair. Or until you had black sweat trickling down your head. Ridiculous.
23 — Move in with the wrong friend
Few things can go from ‘great’ to ‘terrible’ so quickly. It’s all fun and games when ya’ll are playing bocce ball together drinking O’Douls. Soon as they leave their socks in the sink or avoid eye contact when you bring up the gas bill, things will never be the same.
24 — Watch movie with a sex scene with your parents
I’m uncomfortable even addressing this. Let’s move on.
25 — Looked through someone’s phone
Simply put there is never a reason to search through someone’s phone outside of being deep undercover on a case and your mark has finally warmed up to you enough to leave their phone on the table while they take a shower. There’s no other reason that doesn’t also make you a nutjob. Seriously. Doesn’t matter if you’re right. Doesn’t matter if you find incriminating evidence. There’s always something slightly unhinged about searching through someone’s personal items. And you feel it don’t you? That slight tingling. That’s shame. Shame shame shame.
26 — F’d around and found out
Lesson learned.
27 — Wore your phone on your belt
You might still be doing this. In that case you’re either 50 plus or a pure lunatic. We were young once, though. Went so far as to make sure the phone clip was on the right hip and at the exact right placement so that your shirt hung over it in just the right way. You just knew you were stunting on us with that Nokia.
28 — Failed to strap up
18 years, 18 years… You know the rest.
29 — Didn’t start saving at 18
For whatever reason you didn’t learn about compound interest until 37. Or maybe it’s just that we’re inundated now with blog boys who make sure we all know how financially illiterate and ill prepared we all are.
30 — Didn’t leave your hometown
There’s no place like home. That’s why you should leave. At least for a little bit. Live somewhere else. Experience somewhere else. Give it a try. Then, if you want to go back home, cool. You’re actually making a choice. But too many folks only know one way to live in this world. That was fine at basically every other point in human history. But the world is so small now that we’re all hyper aware of how isolated the experience of whatever particular city/town/hut you’re in is. If you have the means, by all means, get up get out and get gone.
31 — Failed to have a plan. Any plan
Yea, yea, the best laid plans of mice and men and all that… Still, you didn’t plan at all and now you’re just stuck in a constant rut of ‘figuring it out’. It sucks. It’s infinitely more beneficial to create a plan and then work your way through all the muck and obstacles thrown your way on the path towards execution of said plan, than just wandering around hoping for something good to happen. And now lookatcha. Struggling.
32 — Smoked too much
I mean I get a little bit. And you’re probably getting it over the counter at your local mom and pop (but actually owned by a group that was able to put up half a mil up front to get the place built), but your sticky budget shouldn’t be rivaling your grocery budget. Do better.
33 — Didn’t go to shows early enough in life / experience the arts
Hey man, life can be boring. Art is interesting. Go to a concert. Check out a stage play. Go to a museum. Plan for a little color in the midst of the gray of the mundane.
34 — Didn’t try enough things
The world is your oyster. At least try one every once in a while. You’ve been avoiding carrots since 1st grade. You know you can listen to new music, right? Stretch your legs out and try something new for once.
35 — Ate beets
My bad on that last one. Don’t eat beets. They’re the trashiest of trash food. They taste like medicine and arsenic.
36 — Listened to Magoo (RIP)
Timbaland is an amazing producer. I can’t believe he forced me to listen to Magoo just to enjoy his beats. That’s why he’ll never be the goat. Still, RIP. The bird bird bird, the bird is the word…
37 — Ever argued about an underground rapper
Did that make you feel better? Did you convince that guy that just because MC Such and Such uses big words it doesn’t mean that he’s the best rapper alive? Or did you convince your friend that 4 straight minutes of rapping with no hook is actually the purest form of expression? No? Alrighty then.
38 — Any argument with anyone who owns a LeBron jersey
That didn’t go well, did it? Somehow Kobe and Charles Oakley were slandered in the same sentence. You could’ve spent that time in someone’s dms.
39 — Spent your rent money on a Beyonce concert
You had such a great time you have to keep the lights off at all times cause you’re hiding from your landlord. Now you can only dance to Bey in your car on the way to work. Well you can if you’re not too tired from having to park your car 5 blocks away to avoid the repo man, that is.
40 — Called yourself a member of a hive or fan group
Yea the only people that don’t immediately lose respect for you are other people who identify as a hive member themselves.
41 — Taking on other people’s complaints/issues
You didn’t have a problem, but now you’ve got a problem. Now their drama is your drama. You were trying to support, and now you’re in some beef. And guess what? They’re not even going to thank you for your help. At least not in a way that means much to you. Congrats. You played yourself.
42 — Having expectations for other people
The only place this works is when you’re in charge. And you can fire people. Or bench players. Or kick people off the squad. Other than that? Well it won’t always blow up in your face, but nobody is shooting 100% from that field. A lot of things suck in life, but being let down by someone you expected more from? That’s the worst. And I don’t want the worst for you. I want the best. So love people, hope for good things from people, but keep your expectations low. We’re all only human, after all.
That’s it! And before you say something, I know that’s more than 40 things. But like I said, I’m getting old. My memory is shakier than wooden roller coasters so give me a little grace. This may not have helped you in any way other than reliving past traumas, but in fairness I never said this would be helpful, just informative! You’re welcome.
