Cell Phone Martyr

Parenting is an inherently ridiculous endeavor. If we really think about it, parenting makes very little sense in our modern era. See way back in Way Back Whenland, parenting was simple. Your job was to teach little Martha and Martin the basics. Mend some socks. Butcher the old sick pig and fry the bacon while saving the grease. Teach them how to make bread and fix the boards in the cabin. Then teach Martin the family nail removal business. As long as Martha could make a sweater, plant a cucumber and not stab her husband, you did your job as parents. If Martin picked up the nuances of nail removal and could hoof a horse and didn’t get drunk in public, then you did a good job. These days? Who knows what being a ‘good parent even means?

Parents are screwed if they’re trying to be ‘successful’. My social media feeds are full of fairly intelligent, moderately successful people who claim their parents failed them because they didn’t instill a buzz phrase like ‘emotional versatility’ in them. Mommy sucked because she didn’t teach you that you ain’t need no man, girl! Daddy was bad because he didn’t let me hold him in my arms while he wept about his feelings of inadequacy so now I don’t know how to properly sob in front of my children and coworkers. Or maybe the parents were caring but they had too many silly rules like ‘you must attend elementary school’ and so you didn’t get to explore your true nature. Everyone has a complaint about how they were raised. Some parents were too strict. Other’s too lenient. We celebrate people leaving relationships for the sake of them doing what makes them happy while we also talk about the trauma lived with from being a child of divorce or being born out of wedlock. We’re kind of hypocritical I’d say.

At other times we’re told that our parents generation was just all wrong about, well, everything. Sexuality, personal economics, the environment, morality, etc. We’re so lucky to be here since all the previous generations before us were just idiots. Parents could love their kids and do the best they can for them only to be slandered a few years later because your kid can’t respect you because of who you voted for for the state senate. What I’m saying here is that parents aren’t being cut a whole lot of slack these days.

Knowing that my efforts are likely to not be all that appreciated until my kids have kids of their own is freeing. No matter what I do I’ll be wrong, so I may as well do right. Even drastically so. And that brings me to my current dilemma. The cellular phone. Let’s pause there. See I most likely won’t have anything new to say about this subject. Despite that I am thankful that you’re taking the time to humor me as I talk myself into doing the thing I already want to do but haven’t fully convinced myself of yet. It’s truly an honor to have you here with me. Let’s proceed, shall we?

I have a teenage son. The most important thing to know about him is that he’s a teenager. So even though he’s great, he kind of sucks. That’s not a shot at the kid either. Every teenager kind of sucks. It’s inevitable. They’re young and there’s a whole lot they don’t know, but they’re at the age where they’re starting to want to know about more, if that makes sense. See in middle school they didn’t care about anything but video games and basketball. Now their interests start expanding, their friends start talking about more things, and they start dipping into worlds they know nothing about. They even have the gall to try to have relationships and even tell other people about theirs. A bunch of newborns trying to teach each other how to talk. Teenagers are the unique group that gets to bask in their ignorance while also being the one age group that takes pride in NOT wanting to learn from those that know more. In general, of course. So yea, teenagers kind of suck. Despite that, I’ve gotta try to raise this kid. Of course the entire world is aligned against me in that endeavor, but there is one force that seems to be more determined than the rest to hinder my righteous cause: Cell phones.

Man oh man. These phones done took over the known world. You know that, of course. The question I’m dealing with is whether this teenager of mine should have one or, more accurately, keep one. See these phones are killing these kids but the draw of them is heavy. Telling your kid he can’t have a phone is like telling him he has to wear a kilt to school every day. It’s a trip. Me being me, though, I need to break this thing down logically.

Here’s the first thing we need to figure out: what are the reasons my freshman male human should have a phone? See that’s a good one. As a parent there’s really one reason I wanted him to have a phone and that’s access. When he’s out of the house it’s an easy way to communicate with him. This kid plays sports year round so he’s always needing rides to or from a practice or a training session. A phone makes life easier. However, all we need is a phone to call and possibly text with, not a full on smartphone. Actually, let’s backtrack on that for a minute.

This isn’t really a need, is it? I’m not ‘get off my lawn’ old but I am most definitely ‘back in my day’ old. When I wasn’t walking to school 9 miles uphill both ways, I was engaged in other activities like school, sports, and most important, kickin it. I did eventually get a cell phone later on in my teenage years, but those early years? No access at all. And it was fine! If I was getting a ride home after school I’d find a phone and call my mom. If I wanted to crash at a friend’s place? Phone. Sometimes I’d be out all day and you know what? It was fine! My mom knew I’d either come home or call to check in at some point. Truthfully it wasn’t all that hard to communicate. So why does my kid NEED a phone now? Almost all of his friends have phones so he always has a way to communicate with us anyway. If he’s doing something sports related his coaches or trainers have phones. If he’s at school there are phones all over the place. The kid is surrounded by access all day airday. I’m not really seeing a need here. But let’s say I’m wrong. It’s truthfully hard for me to admit this, but sometimes there is a chance that I’m wrong. It’s rare, and it’s usually in relation to things like neuroscience or rocket fuel calculations, but it’s possible. Even if I’m wrong about the need for this kid to have a phone on him at all times, let’s talk about this smartphone thing.

We all know the benefits of smartphones, right? They all kind of boil down to internet access if we’re being honest. Besides the occasional game of Candy Smash or Frustrated Pigeons or whatever the kids are playing these days, most everything on the phone requires internet access. However, we already know that making calls or texts don’t. So why is it almost impossible to find a non smartphone these days? The elements with the internet are the things that are causing all the problems, right? Right?

Let’s talk about social media. It’s fun at times. For teenagers though? It seems like we only hear about two scenarios: social media either becomes a highly addictive obsession, or somehow worse, it becomes an anchor that holds kids down. It causes anxiety, depression and all sorts of other problems. It either consumes kids lives or destroys them. Now maybe that’s not everyone, of course, but it sure seems like it. Study after study is showing the damage it’s doing to these kids. Social media can be great. We all spend plenty of time laughing at jokes and memes on Twitter and Facebook. We love to argue about politics, justice or sports with friends and strangers and Russian bots. It’s like bacon; delicious in moderation. However we KNOW without a doubt that these days most kids don’t approach it that way. They don’t filter out the real from the fake. They get sucked in to the false realities and obsess over likes and views. It’s #toxic. And that’s only part of it.

I kinda sorta hate the term ‘bullying’. It annoys me. The entire anti bullying culture is silly to me. And worse, fake. We all know that being cruel to people is wrong. We all grew up understanding that being a bully was a bad thing and that that behavior was wrong. Why then, do we need entire campaigns fighting bullying. Kids already know it’s wrong. The thing is, kids are kids and we have now changed what bullying is. It went from being a kid that used their size or age or strength or rage to lord over other kids, to an act committed by any kid that says something mean to another kid. If an 8 year old clowns a classmate for having dirty clothes, now that kid is a bully. And now being a bully is the worst thing a kid can be. This anti bullying campaign isn’t stopping bullies from bullying, it’s simply labeling more kids as bullies and vilifying them like criminals. It’s madness. There is, however, one type of bullying that is terrifying. Cyber bullying.

As we’ve established, these kids are obsessed with their social media feeds. This causes massive issues because they are living their lives online. They leave school (or sometimes during school) and they’re in constant communication with their entire school and social circle via these apps. When that gets compromised…boy oh boy. The cyber bullying stories are terrible. Kids troll other kids for weeks and months at a time sending hateful messages to them, making memes and jokes about them, essentially making their life hell. And because that’s how everyone communicates kids have two options: deal with it or essentially remove themselves from their social circle by going offline. It’s tough. But it’s also avoidable. Truthfully I don’t have a ton of fear about my kid being a victim of cyber bullying, but it’s just another pitfall of these pocket sized missiles we carry around.

Even if kids are being polite and kind on social media there are other dangers lurking. Things new to this generation. Hold on a sec: this is where I get to really sound like an old man. Shoot half of my people will probably roll their eyes and tell me to chill out. But hey, I’m a dad and I’ve got standards for how my kids should act. Anyways…sexting. Yea. I know. It’s real though. While many folks won’t care or will think it’s nothing to worry too much about, I’m of the mindset that it’s not a great thing when hormonal 15 year olds have easy, subtle ways to send each other pics of their bodies. Just saying. There are obvious legal ramifications that lead to plenty of news stories telling tales of teenagers being charged with child pornography related crimes for taking or possessing such pictures. Beyond that, it’s simply unhealthy and inappropriate. But of course a 15 year old won’t think that way. Those little hormone filled ragers have to be protected from their own horniness at times. Giving kids that kind of access is just begging them to do something stupid driven by their little heads. And speaking of teenage hormones, there’s an even more pervasive problem with smartphones.

You can stop reading this right now and search for the negative effects of pornography. The facts are easy to find. Porn literally changes how we think and how we view our potential partners. It warps how we think of sex and what we expect from it. Teenage boys (and girls) are already the most fiending people in the world, looking for all the physical contact they can get. How do we expect them to be respectful and realistic about their sexuality when with the typing of a few words they can access any sort of sexual fantasy they can think of? It’s kind of wild that we just kinda let this slide. Millions of men struggle with addiction to porn and yet we simply allow our kids to have the same unfettered access to the entire internet as we do. Why? Seriously? Why do we do this? Do we actually think about this much? If you knew little Johnny was beating his sheets up every night watching foot fetish porn would you keep letting him lock himself in his room with his phone every night? What if you caught your little Jessica doing the same? Now some folks will probably be OK with that. Hey kids exploring their sexuality is a part of growing up, right? But others? Some of us would probably have feelings other than pride that your child is figuring out how they like it already. Just saying.

So besides the phone addiction and the bullying and the unfettered porn access and the sexting, what else is there? Well there’s one more thing. One more thing that is not only extremely crippling for a kid’s future well being, but also just plain old irritating and annoying. It’s this really problematic… well… problem. Kid’s can’t have an actual conversation. The constant texting and social media has led to a number of kids that simply can’t seem to interact with adult human beings with words that originate from their mouths. I love my son, I truly do, but trying to hold a conversation with him is just the worst. Its all 2 word answers, mumbled words, eyes glued to floor, and the body language of a man whose side chick caught him with his 2nd side chick. It sucks so much. I almost wish I could say that the issue was simply that the kid has a hard time talking to adults, but we know that’s not it. Put him and one of his boys in a room and within 3 minutes they’ll have their phones out either scrolling through feeds or showing each other videos. You could have 6 teenagers in a room and never know other than the 4 different songs playing from iMusic at the same time. And they’re perfectly content with that! They don’t need to talk with each other when they can text from two feet away. It’s appalling, truly. We’re raising an entire generation who would rather text you than call you. Kids that get the nerve to tell a girl they like her do so via DM, not in person and not even on the phone as they try to hide the terrified look on their face from showing up in their voice. It’s all #problematic.

I don’t get it. After all this time I don’t get it. Why is this even a question? After everything I just listed how irresponsible and neglectful would I have to be to allow my son to have a cell phone? I would just be exposing him to all the ills and evils I just talked about. But. BUT! What kind of monster would I be if I took his phone and allowed him to become a social pariah. Someone so out of touch that girls will laugh at him and guys won’t respect him. Why would I make his life so miserable by making him different? Isn’t that my job as a parent? To make my kid’s life easier and not harder? Or is it to prepare him for the real world? Is it to make sure I instill in him the proper things to help him be successful later, even if he hates me for it? I think it’s to do the best I can for the kid while I can. And there’s no way what’s best for him is giving him unlimited access to the internet at his young, impressionable and somewhat ridiculous stage. It would be unwise. It would be neglectful. Shoot, it would be downright #problematic.