Feel The Love

When I was preparing to get married I got all sorts of advice. Marriage counseling provided a ton of tidbits and wisdom nuggets, of course. I got a whole lot of solid principles to work with regarding how to make a marriage work. Friends and others who were married all had nice things to say. Shoot I even got words of wisdom from folks with no more experience being married than I had at the time. I got some good stuff, for sure. However some things it took being actually married to learn. Mainly, that marriage was not a cure for my problems, and that sometimes I would be my own worst enemy. That has manifested itself in a sadly specific way.

I have a hard time fully accepting my wife’s love for me. It’s true. Weird, but true. See intellectually I know my wife loves me. It’s not exactly a hard thing to believe as a married man. Still, I don’t always, or even often, operate like that. I often operate in our relationship like a man who’s with someone he knows doesn’t like him. That make sense? No? Well most of the time when you’re comfortable in your relationship you’re also comfortable being who you are. You do and say the things that are natural to you and don’t think that much about it because you’re confident that your partner likes who you are and is thus ok with those things. For instance if your partner had a bad day at work, you’ll usually respond in a way that makes sense to you. If you’re the type to joke to lighten the situation you’ll do that. If you’re the type to give her a long hug you’ll do that. Maybe you’re the type that will run her a bath and pour her a glass of wine. Either way, you’re doing you. But when you aren’t confident that that person actually likes you, well then you’re kinda stuck. You second guess everything. You ask yourself how to respond and which response will cause the least amount of problems. See now you’re less concerned with being a help and providing support and more concerned with not exacerbating the issue. That’s the space I’ve lived in.

It’s not fair. See today was the first day I’ve really given that thought. My wife and I had a dust up earlier in the week. I was so frustrated by it we didn’t really speak for a full day. When we finally hashed it out, I realized that what I was mad about was fully accurate. See i get extremely bothered by how my wife speaks to me at times. This was one of those times. However, after talking it became clear that her frustration wasn’t with me but with the situation we were dealing with. I didn’t hear that at the time. But part of the reason I missed it was because of my own lack of confidence in my wife’s love for me. When the beef starts I treat it like I’m getting into it with someone that doesn’t really care for me. That has to suck to deal with. What’s it like to feel like you have to constantly restate your love for your spouse? What’s it like to feel like you show your love but have it constantly doubted and questioned? Now I don’t go around saying ‘you don’t love me’, but I know she feels my doubt at times. She knows. And it’s not her fault.

Let’s be clear here: Love language is a real thing. Unfortunately my wife and I don’t naturally speak each other’s love languages. That means that on some natural level, the way my wife shows her love for me is, well, not always received that way. She can be expressing her care for me and it goes right over my head and vice versa. See I always imagined my queen showing her love for me by being all over me. See I thought ladies wanted cuddling and PDA and sitting up under each other all the time. My wife isn’t like that, though. She’s not touchy feely, doesn’t need to be all hugged up and is too busy to be in my face all the time. So at times maybe my love tank (shot out counseling sessions) was a little low. That said, I know all those things. I’m conscious of that. So I can’t use that as an excuse. Truthfully this is a me issue. I don’t operate as if I’m worthy of that love. Deep, right?

I’m not going to psychoanalyze myself right now. That would bore everyone. I will acknowledge, though, that my wife has been paying for my insecurities. I suppose that’s true of everyone in a marriage on some level. I know I pay the price for some of her issues of course. But still, this is a big thing. It means that I haven’t been fully present for my wife. I haven’t given her all of my because I haven’t always thought that ‘me’ was what she wanted. I’ve been so paralyzed with analyzing situations so as to not make them worse that I haven’t been present in them to provide, well, me. I’m her husband. That means I have things to offer her and to give her if I simply do me, and I’ve denied her that. I’m sorry. It’s time to stop being scary, stop being unsure, and stop not being the husband I’m supposed to be…