Gimme Some More
How do you feel about yourself? Are you proud of you? Are you ashamed of you? Or maybe you’re kind of indifferent about you? Me? Well I’ve gone through somewhat of a transformation recently in how I think of myself. Change will do that to you.
See, I’ve had varying opinions of myself over the years. As a young man, I was confident. I knew I had things going for me. I was handsome, smart, fun, and full of life. I knew I was going to matter in this world. Then a funny thing happened; I got what I wanted.
There’s something you should know about me. I’m an only child. I have no first cousins. No second cousins. I didn’t grow up surrounded by other kids. It was me and mom dukes in my home for the entirety of my memory. I had a fine childhood. It was happy enough. But that shaped me. All I wanted was a family of my own. A wife to be by my side every day. Kids to love and raise and enjoy. By 27, I had that. By 27 I had a wife I adored and a house full of kids. We’d had 2 sons and became legal guardians of 2 more. We rented a big house in the burbs. I was set. I had everything I wanted. I worked in sales because I’d gotten an in a few years prior at a large company in the sales department and it paid well so I stayed with it. My wife wasn’t bringing in much money but I didn’t care about that. I didn’t have any passion for my job but so what? Generations of black men worked jobs they hated so that they could feed their families. As long as I was bringing home a steady check and could spend time with the people I loved, I was content. I stagnated. Who knew how much I’d come to regret that.
In recent times I’ve seen a lot of people talking about why relationships are so hard these days. Among the theories, especially for black people, is that men and women have things a bit backwards. Some feel that a lot of women are taking a masculine view of life. They work hard early on to be successful in their careers before deciding to settle down and start a family. The problem is that oftentimes their biological clock is ticking loudly by that time and they’re struggling to find mates in that short period of time before having biological kids isn’t an option. Do you see where I’m headed here? I got the game messed up. I didn’t spend my early and mid 20’s grinding at a career in order to establish myself so I could attract a mate. I had the woman I wanted by 24. I had the family I wanted. I didn’t need to go out and earn it. I didn’t go out into the world and prove my masculinity and ability to care for and provide for a family. I never established those habits. I thought that as long as I held a job down that I was good. If I made $60k I was cool. I didn’t think it made sense to spend extra hours at the office and away from my family in order to make $65k. To me, being with my family was more important than grinding a little harder so they could have a little more. Insert Charlie Murphy yelling ‘Wrong. Wrong!’ That entire time I thought I was doing the right thing. Bringing home the check, helping with the kids. The problem was that the check wasn’t always enough. Truthfully it often wasn’t enough.
Money struggles were a regular part of life. Sometimes I’d work overnight shifts at a warehouse to make some extra money. But for the most part, I chalked it up to life. If I was bringing home $65k and we were struggling, that was life, right? How was I supposed to make much more than that? Looking back this all seems so immature. So silly. So…loserish. I thought I was doing good. In reality, I was failing. Failing my family, but most importantly, failing myself. I was satisfied with just being ok. That. Is. Trash. Somewhere along the line I got fat and happy off of being a ‘family man’ and I stopped pushing myself to be a real man. A man that maximizes his gifts. A man that pushes to be as successful as he can in whatever field he’s in.
I was told recently how attractive it is for women to see a man doing whatever he’s got to do to take care of his family. I was reminded at that point that it’s not even about the money. It’s about the effort. I didn’t need to make six figures to be attractive. I needed to strive to be the best me I could be. I needed to put my best foot forward at work. I needed to not be satisfied staying where I was. I needed to work to get better, to improve. And if I needed to do more to make the ends meet, then do it without hesitation or complaint. Second job? Do what you gotta do. Gig work? Get on it, son. Side hustles? Lets get it. Men do what needs to be done. I thought I was a man while doing the bare minimum. Sad.
How do I see myself today? I see a man who’s wasted too much time. I see a man who lost his way. I see a man who used his family as an excuse to not be the best he could be. But that’s not all I see. I also see a real man. A man rising up. I see a man who’s gone through hell and back and to hell again in the last year but is still standing tall. One who’s been at his weakest but also realized his strength. I see a man who’s rediscovered who he is despite the fires and the flames. I see a soon to be published author. I see a man who is leaning into this gift God gave him and knows it will improve the status of his family. I see a man who is no longer satisfied with being ok. Being ok had me struggling. Being ok left me unattractive and underwhelming. Being ok was never who I was designed to be. I’ve had to check myself, correct myself, then finally forgive myself for the mediocrity I’ve given the world over the years. It needs more from me. I needed more from me. More is on the way. I’ve remembered who I am.
