Overcoming My Fear of Being Alone
I don’t want to regret not the doing things I truly want because I am afraid of being alone. This is my story on how I battle my fear.
I am afraid of being alone.
Life is a single-player game.
We’re all born alone and we die alone.
You can take your personal interpretation of this into a dark, gloomy and depressing place, or you can embrace it.
My Fear Since Young
As a child, I remembered going to many enrichment classes when I was in kindergarten and primary school. My mom would sign me up for classes such as art, ballet, piano, singing, drama.
You would think that I would be a multi-talented person by now.
But unfortunately, I was unable to attend the classes by myself due to my fear of being alone. I needed my mom to be in the same classroom as me and would burst into tears whenever she leaves. As a result, I could never complete any of the classes. I was too afraid to be by myself.
By the time I went to secondary school, the separation anxiety that crippled me when I was younger faded, a little. After joining the volleyball club and knowing new friends, I had learned how to be just a little bit more independent. My closest and dearest friend at that time was a girl named Alice.
Most girls would understand how is it like having a best girlfriend. You do EVERYTHING together.
As a teen, you always want to feel that you belong, accepted and valued by your friends. It is the period where you are most easily shaped and influenced by your peers.
From going to the movies, shopping, arcades and most importantly…. going to the toilet together, we were always together. We were in the same class throughout secondary school. She became my pillar of support, my best friend who was always there. Every time we would hang out after school together with a group of friends.
Until one day, I was outcasted from the group. Being alienated and I became the outsider, no longer inside, and no longer a part of the gang.
I felt alone again.
Good Game! I have messed up my school life!
Single Player Spotlight
How many times when you are in a tough situation and you want to hide whenever something goes wrong? That you think people would notice that you are being outcasted and alone?
This is a phenomenon called — ‘Spotlight Effect’. Where it’s a self-imposed effect that makes us feel that we’re being noticed, watched, observed and importantly, judged more than we really are.
Because we are the centres of our own worlds, we believe we are the centre of everyone else’s world too. I was in my own spotlight.
Amplifying the situation and extrapolating them into huge problems with my entire identity on the line. I could not face the thought that my classmates were gossiping behind my back and isolating me.
Looking back, I realised that instead of relying on my mom, I had subconsciously shifted my dependency on my close friendship with Alice.
I was still that little young girl, so afraid of being alone.
Restarting the Game
I had an idea to reset and restart my school life again by transferring to a new school. But my mom refused to let me do so. More than the fear of being alone going back to school without any friends, I fear my mom’s wrath and terror when she is angry.
In the end, I had to return to school reluctantly.
Battling My Fear
My mom forced me to learn how to face my fear, forced me to step outside my comfort zone.
That tiny step and nudge that day that made me who I am today. Not confined by what my friends wanted to do, I put my game face on to conquer my fear.
I learned to….
- Go toilet alone.
- Then I learned to go shopping alone.
- Watched movies alone.
Using fear as a guidepost, step by step, bit by bit, crushing my fears one by one.
Use fear as a guidepost. It’s where your soul most wants you to go. — Marie Forleo
Eventually, I gathered my confidence and become brave enough to move from Singapore, all the way to the other side of the world, to live in a small Caribbean island called Antigua and Barbuda; all by myself. It was for an internship where I had worked as a wedding planner.
It was such a daunting experience! Singapore was 29 hours flight away. I had no friends and no family members who I could turn to immediately.
Being the rare Chinese in a predominately black ethnic country, I was in the spotlight the entire time. People would stare at me like a weird pokemon as I walk through town.
Sometimes it made me self conscious and my internal dialogue started to plant self-doubt and fear.
I would then take a step back and ask myself throughout my journey.
Do I want to flight or fight?
What is my true fear?
I decided that I should not be fearful of being alone. Instead, I should be afraid of not doing the things that I want to do. The fear of Regret.
I took a step to land myself into places where discovery could begin. Taking the courage to do a self-nudge. Focusing each step and moment in front of me. I needed to try and see how far I could go.
In each challenging situation, we nudge ourselves: we encourage ourselves to feel a little more courageous, to act a bit more boldly — to step outside the walls of our own fear, anxiety and powerlessness. To be a bit more present. And incrementally, over time, we end up where we want to be… even if we couldn’t have said where that was when we started. — Amy Cuddy
Living in the Caribbean turned out to be one of the most incredible experience I had in my life. Overcoming and doing the stuff that scares me helped me to become mentally tough. Resilient.
Value growth and learning over comfort and certainty — Marie Forleo
I have discovered and learned so much more about myself than I would ever know. It didn’t happen overnight, it was a result of small steps. If I have continued to depend on people to shape my narrative, my thoughts, my ideas and mindset; I would still feel trapped inside other people’s life.
The toughness in me grew every time I throw myself into a new environment. This toughness opened my eyes to new opportunities and meet new people. I could truly experience what the beautiful world and life have to offer.
As the philosopher Naval puts it,
Life is a single-player game.
We’re born alone and we die alone.
In between, we must learn to know ourselves, love ourselves, lose ourselves, find ourselves and do all of it over again.
Release your worries, fears about being in the spotlight; being judged on what you say, do or how you dress because the odds will always be in your favour if you are willing to take the first step.
Each day, life presents an opportunity for us to step out and seek our adventure. Be brave.
