My Dentist is an Idiot
by Tommy Paley
Everywhere I go, I see men wearing horse heads playing accordions really, really well.
I got out of bed this morning with the sole purpose of speaking to all of the Freds that I know.
One time, I stood in the backyard and laughed at the back fence for hours. What can I say? It’s a ridiculously funny fence.
I often think about installing many more drapes at home so no one would have more drapes than me.
Why are cows allowed to loudly moo when and wherever they want and, yet, when I grab my trusty megaphone and do the same at the public library I’m kindly asked to leave in a voice that doesn’t sound kindly at all?
I once placed all of socks on my bed, separated the pairs, and then loudly chastised them for not knowing when to keep their mouths shut.
Occasionally I wonder how much more fun the jerks out there are having.
I live with the perpetual fear of falling off the wagon so much so that I am totally distracted from the larger question over how I even got on the wagon in the first place.
The other day, I stood in the bathroom in the dark and tried to brush my teeth. My dentist is an idiot. I should also pay my electricity bill.
I’m often accused of being a stranger in a strange land, or something like that — I don’t speak dog.
If I can’t stand on my porch eating potato chips, wearing my bathrobe and swinging my ax, how am I supposed to find time for all of my hobbies?
I often go to the hardware store and fondle the nails.
When I was young, I was infatuated with exit signs and all they stood for.
I am often mocked by marine animals.
Excuse me for asking, but when did it become illegal to pretend to be a fire engine?
I love that unique feeling one gets when they cover themselves with butter or, if the budget is tight, a combination of refined vegetable oil and water.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: floors are completely overrated. Ceilings, on the other hand, are amazing.
I have become a little too friendly with the vegetables in my fridge, which makes it super awkward when I have to cut them.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, before remembering that I need to save my voice for the big show. I also need to continue being overly vague if asked about this show.
I love reading tea leaves. I also love drinking tea made from those very same leaves. I lead a conflicted existence.
