Inside Beauty Out
Tonight was the very first night I have ever seen my fully grown self with a clear complexion.
Mirrors and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms. I have had a full-length mirror in my room since I was a teenager… And since I was a teenager, it has been covered with notes and my own artwork, so it functions as more of an inspiration board than anything else. In the bathroom, I avoid looking in the mirror. I simply don’t like what I see.
I have had acne since I was thirteen. Like everyone, it affected the way I saw myself, and it took a toll on my confidence throughout my young adult life. I knew the ramifications of low self-esteem and I knew I had it, and that if I let myself stare at the physical manifestation of my low self-esteem on a daily basis, any chance of building confidence would be gone. So I decided to simply not look.
You don’t have to see acne to know you have it, and despite my misgivings, I still spent many a night doctoring myself with aloe gel to heal faster when I inevitably scratched myself to the bleeding point. On occasion, I looked into my reflection’s eyes, reminding myself that beauty comes from inside. But I still had to convince myself it was there.
I never really had a problem with the fact that no one has ever called me beautiful. It’s much easier not to worry about what you look like when you can’t remember what you look like. But it bothered me that I couldn’t look myself in the eye and see me.
Thus, it came as a surprise when I saw myself tonight. I’ve never looked and not seen something that needs cleaning up or healed. Without any physical blemish taking up my vision, I could finally take a good look at myself.
My eyes are very blue. My mouth is not as small as I thought it was. My face is not as round. And there are no red blotches. I look completely average. I look like anyone else. And just about everyone else I’ve ever seen is lovely in their own way — cliché, but I mean it. Why could I never afford myself the same compliment?
I’m still the same person. I still don’t like mirrors. And I know this will probably pass soon. But I know who I am inside is not changed by what I am on the outside. The face I saw tonight is always underneath, and the light inside is always leaking through.
