Apple to Acquire Nintendo
A $75 Billion Parody
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Early this morning Apple’s CEO Tim Cook announced via a joint press release that Nintendo, the beloved video game franchise and console creator, will now become a part of Apple after a $75 billion cash buy out. Both infamous for their secrecy, no details about this deal leaked prior to this announcement, but here’s what we know so far.
According to the press release, Nintendo will remain a mostly independent subsidiary with a separate corporate governing body where its president reports directly to Apple’s CEO, Cook. “Nintendo has long been independent and achieved great success,” Nintendo’s president Shuntaro Furukawa said, “Now however, with access to Apple’s manufacturing prowess and mobile hardware innovations, we are capable of so much more.”
From what we can tell, Nintendo seems to have brokered this deal in such a way they maintain creative control of their properties, such as Mario and Zelda, while having access to whatever Apple’s hardware R&D division is able to produce for their consoles. Surely this will propel their Switch platform into its next generation and beyond using Apple’s extremely efficient ARM processors. No longer will Nintendo need to rely on a third-party as they have had to with NVIDIA’s Tegra chips.
A peek behind the curtain on what Apple’s interests were in the deal, Cook added, “We are also excited to announce, three live action Nintendo TV shows all streaming exclusively on Apple TV+ coming fall of 2025.” Apple’s SVP of Services, Eddy Cue, also mentioned, “All of your favorite characters will have their time on screen and you can rest assured that the original creators will remain involved to maintain continuity as we further their stories.”
Microsoft Gaming CEO, Phil Spencer, had this to say, “Everyone was up in arms when we announced our acquisition of Activision Blizzard. I ask the people, where are your pitchforks and torches now?” Maybe still a little sour on their international regulatory battle he continued, “Oh, also we already have a hit TV show, its called Halo and it’s streaming on Paramount+ right now. Remember when Halo was a Mac exclusive, well Master Chief is ours now, FACE!”
FTC Chair, Lina Khan, was quick to reply to our request for comment mentioning, “I’ve waited far too long to play games on my Mac besides The Sims. Valve, Epic, and Microsoft watch out because there’s a new operating system in the PC games market and it’s macOS!” She had more to say in either Simlish, Animalese, or some combination of the two. However, our translators are still trying to find out if either of those are real languages.
The legendary video game designer and creator of Mario, Shigeru Miyamoto, has declined to comment on the deal. Speculators at this time believe Miyamoto is still disappointed with the performance of Nintendo mobile games on iOS. After Super Mario Run peaked around 78 million downloads, they were only able to convert 5% into the premium $9.99 version. A rare commercial flop for Nintendo and potentially why Miyamoto may be resentful towards this deal.
Time was running out for Apple to diversify beyond their heavy reliance on the iPhone business. Without a strategic move into entertainment and gaming, it could have spelled their downfall. Meanwhile, Nintendo appeared to be struggling to launch a next-generation Switch, with the Switch Pro facing continuous delays and no clear direction for future gaming innovations.
Thank you for reading! Claps if you liked it and @ me on Threads with what crazy things you think would happen if Apple did ever buy Nintendo. If it wasn’t already clear, this story is a parody and a mere fantasy of my own creation. Any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.
