Confronting Fear: A Kol Nidre D’var by Noa Baron
I grew up as a very anxious little kid. Every night before I went to sleep from the age of 5 until I was about 8 or 9, I would ask my mom to come into my room, and as she was tucking me into bed at night, I would make her promise me five things. These five things were not what most little kids want to be promised when they are going to sleep. I didn’t want to be promised that I would dream of candy and rainbows, or that when I woke up that I would be able to go outside and play. No, I was far too anxious for that. Instead, I made my mom promise me the following:
That when I slept, there would be:
- No bad guys
- No robbers
- No fires
- No dying
- And no climate change
I knew in the back of my mind that my mom didn’t actually have the magical powers to just stop fires or bad guys, but still, it was comforting to hear her say that while I slept, nothing scary would happen.
I’m still kind of mad at five year old me. I think I’ve never really forgiven that little kid for being so afraid of the world. In fact, I’m not really sure I’ve stopped being so afraid of the world, I’ve just stopped having my mom tuck me in at night. But I don’t know if my fear was all that unreasonable. The world is a scary place. Who am I supposed to ask to comfort me now, when I’m lying awake at night thinking about the massive fire burning in the amazon rainforest, or the bad guys beating innocent Orthodox Jewish men with bricks, or the children dying in detention centers at our border?
It is people who have made other people feel unsafe. This fear I feel, the same fear I felt when I was five, is not any one individual’s fault. This fear is definitely not God’s fault. This fear, that many of us feel- this fear for our present and our future- this fear is our collective fault. We have failed each other. We are living in uncertain times, and we have forgotten what we owe to our fellow human beings. We have a collective responsibility to keep other people safe and secure, and we have failed. We must all repent. We must be better.
The world is scary. People are hurting. Many people in this room, maybe you, maybe the person next to you, have had hard years. The year of 5779 had its share of the gloomy hardships of life, of loss and anger and sadness. Sometimes these feelings can be very overwhelming. Sometimes the feelings alone are so big they’re frightening.
And now we’re here at Kol Nidre, and I’m still not ready to forgive that five year old child for being so afraid of the world. How can I forgive my present, 19 year old self for being just as afraid?
How can I move on, and heal and forgive and grow when it feels like everything is spinning around me and I’m just afraid?
I can no longer ask my mom to promise me there will be no bad things while I sleep.
So, I’m asking all of you. I’m asking this room. I’m asking my community. I’m asking the world, and everyone in it. Keep me safe. Let’s keep each other safe. No one can forgive, no one can grow or heal or become the person we need to be if we are not keeping each other safe from the scary things in the world. Five year old Noa was afraid, but 19 year Noa is determined to hold people in her heart. I’m determined to keep people safe. I’m determined to love, even when it is the most difficult thing to do, and I am determined to have compassion and empathy even for those who have none for me. As Hillel said, “If I am not for others, what am I?” I will be for others. This will be the year where I truly embody chesed, loving kindness.
In this new year, let us all take care of one another. If not now, when? 5780 is the year where we nurture one another, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Let it be the year where each of us is radically kind, even when it is hard.
Everyone can use a loving force telling them it will all be okay, but let’s also make that safety a reality. Let’s commit ourselves to fighting for what we believe in, to saving what’s left of the Amazon rainforest, to keeping children out of cages at the border and to voting in every single election. We do not have to accept the current state of the country, or the world. I never said it would be easy, but we can create a safer and more loving place for us all.
The Torah tells us 36 times “You shall not wrong nor oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the Land of Egypt.” Exceptional empathy is written into our traditions. We as a people know what it’s like to feel so incredibly scared. We are commanded to help keep others, even and especially those most different from us, from feeling the same way.
We have individually and collectively failed at creating the safe and loving world we all deserve. But it is not too late. Over the course of the rest of tonight, and all of tomorrow, reflect deeply. You are not exempt from the task of being a better person, none of us are. How are you going to be a kinder presence this year? How are you going to actively put love into the world with your words and your actions?
This year, I will also be for myself. I am almost ready to forgive 5 year old Noa for being so afraid of the world. I am working on being able to forgive 19 year old Noa, for being equally as afraid. I don’t want to be afraid of the world, I want to live in it. I cannot do so without your help. Hold me in your heart. Hold one another in your hearts. Love boldly, and loudly, and intensely. Promise 5 year old me that she will be safe. 5 year olds everywhere deserve to feel safe, and so do 19 year olds. This can be a good year, a year of growth and wonderful new things, but only if we dare to keep one another safe with radical love.
