On Judaism and Queerness — Rachel Bell

I am Jewish from the first red curl in my hair to my feet that have felt the soft stone of Masada

my lips that have tasted the salt of the dead sea my hands that have held the Torah with trepidation, afraid I would drop it, or it, me

it’s been a long time since I last spoke to God

a lot has changed, I have changed

I don’t know what this means for our relationship

hopefully authenticity will bring us closer together, but I can’t help but feel my heart sink to my stomach

I can’t help but hear the stories of exile and disownment that are playing like background music to a horror movie in my head

I can’t help but feel my palms start to tremble & sweat, my throat gets tighter as I do my best to squeak out three syllables

Adonai

your love is so strong, so beautiful

I know that I feel it, however, I am also drawn to a different kind of love

the kind of love that keeps me up at night

a way of loving about which I do not know how you will feel

I love a woman who is Jewish from her long black hair to the Kabbalah bracelet that I tied to her wrist to her feet that have been in an out of temples since she was a child

some nights I ask her how she does it

how she reconciles a book that deems her less than with a religion that makes her feel whole

she tells me, she is the only one who can determine how worthy she feels

she tells me her God is loving, her God is kind, her God holds her when she needs to be held

this helps. However, I am again at a crossroads

this time, with my friends for whom Judaism is synonymous with Zionism which does not bode well in our social justice circles

they are surprised to see me reconnecting with my faith

I hear “but you’re queer, how can you support religion?”

I try to convince them, & more so to convince myself that both queerness & Judaism revolve around love

& a God that does not love all, cannot truly love one

they tell me “Look around. Look at the pain and suffering and hatred and violence.

Is that your God? Your loving God?”

I don’t know how to answer them

I don’t know how I feel about it yet

I don’t know, & that’s okay

I know that I am loved

I know that I am worthy

I know I have this incredible community to figure it out with me

Rachel Bell is a first-year in College of Arts and Sciences studying Sociology and Child & Adolescents Mental Health Studies.