Unsent Letters: To E
There’s a lot to tell. I tried telling you about it, but we never understood each other. And maybe, it is pointless to go around the subject. So this time, I’ll tell it how it is.
I felt myself close to you.
I wanted to be yours, and I wanted you to be mine.
That’s as simple as it gets.
Now to the more complicated part. I fell in love with who you seemed to be. The charming girl costume you wore, in order to manipulate. I thought that was the real you. It took me a while to figure out that it wasn’t. And when I did, it was difficult to believe. How could the sweet, innocent, charming girl turn into a cold, heartless and almost mean person? It was a nightmare to cope with. It was watching everything I’ve built in my life burn down. It was excruciating. It still is.
To think that I’ve wasted so much energy on you seems unbelievable and disappointing. Especially to those around me. Even for myself, it is difficult to entirely understand. But it did happen, and it was very real.
It’s been more than 3 months now. I probably still feel what I felt in the beginning. But now I know what the truth behind it all is. I know you are incapable of having emotions. Maybe you once were. Maybe once, you were a loving, kind and caring innocent girl. It breaks my heart to see you are no longer her.
And ultimately, that’s why I can’t get over you so easily. The thought of you, a pure you, not hurt, not broken. If I could just bring you back to who you were. As hopeless as it may be, I can’t give up on the idea of being able to fix you. And I know, it’s maybe already too late to take it all back. But I just wish there was a way of letting you know that you are in fact in love with your own idea of him, and not who he actually is. I wish there was a way of explaining you why you felt yourself drawn to me in the first place, and why you still find yourself wanting to be around me. I wish I could make you understand that no other guy will give you the care you’re looking for. I like to think I know how to fix you, but would it really work? Or is it just me convincing myself that it is possible to undo? Isn’t it too risky to try? If anything, is it my task to fix you?
I wish I could talk to you and you would allow me in. I know you wouldn’t. I know you won’t. And that is why I’m chosing not to try. That is why I’ve let go. That is why you will never hear me say these words to you. That is why it will never work out for us. As sad as it may be.
31.05.2015
this piece is part of a series titled “unsent letters”. other pieces in the series are: letter to redhead, letter to f, letter to n.
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