My Cousin Is Blaming Me for the Life I Chose!
“Back when I was younger, my cousin Ella and I were like sisters. As adults, we chose different paths. I started my own coaching business and left my hometown to travel the world. She stayed at home, got a job, a husband and a baby. Lately, she’s been blaming me a lot for abandoning her. Every attempt at conversation (and there have been many) she makes me feel guilty, saying she doesn’t recognize me anymore and that everything is my fault. I don’t even know what ‘everything’ is — she refuses to talk about it. Her accusations are starting to mess with my health. I care about her and want to resolve things. Should I try talking to her again?” — Nina
Dear Nina, I think most of us can relate to your story to some extent: someone we care about is struggling, lashes out and we can’t help them. As with most of these stories, things tend to get tangled up, so let’s see if we can untangle them together.
Can you help her?
First of all, the helplessness you feel when someone you care about is clearly in pain can be crushing. I can totally understand why you’d consider talking to Ella again to help her. I can’t decide for you whether you should, but I can give you an outsider’s perspective.
Ella has made certain choices in her life, such as staying in your hometown. You have not made these choices for her. Even so, you would gladly help her find a solution to her problems — if you can. But for some strange reason, this doesn’t seem possible. Why is that? It’s because Ella doesn’t want you to solve her problems. She is not asking you for solutions and she’s not willing to discuss what’s wrong. All she wants you to know is that it’s your fault. In short, she is looking for a scapegoat, someone to blame.
My guess is that Ella is jealous of the life you chose for yourself and subconsciously doesn’t want you to enjoy it. Not because she’s a bad person, but because that’s what often happens when someone is unhappy.
As you clearly don’t have any plans to stop living your lifestyle, you might ask yourself who is helped by the conversations the two of you have. She is not, because at best it’s making no difference to her situation and at worst it’s distracting her from owning her own choices and focusing on what she can do to improve her situation. You’re also not, because nothing you say makes her a happier, stronger person, which is frustrating to you. On top of everything, your guilt even results in health issues.
If you agree with everything so far, I think the answer to the question “Should I try talking to her again?” is clear, at least for the present moment.
So why do you feel so guilty?
Looking at the situation rationally probably doesn’t make you feel any less guilty about the situation and your damaged relationship with Ella. So let’s dive into that one next. You mentioned that she is making you feel guilty, but that’s not something she can do. All Ella can do is share her pain, even though the way she’s doing it seems destructive. The real person making you feel guilty is… you.
For some reason, what Ella is saying to you is resonating with your own beliefs, that tiny voice inside your head. Maybe it’s because you know that leaving your hometown is making a difference in her life and things would be easier on her if you stayed (even though it would make you unhappy). Maybe it’s because you think you’d be able to help her better if you weren’t separated by thousands of miles. Maybe it’s some other reason I haven’t thought of yet.
One thing I’ve discovered about guilt is that it’s often tied to how we think of ourselves. It all starts when you think of yourself as a good person. For instance, I don’t normally feel guilty for not doing the dishes for three days in a row, but I do when I think of myself as ‘a good housekeeper’.
Whenever we want to be a good anything, we feel guilty if we’re not. In your case, maybe it’s the thought: “I’m someone who always takes good care of their family!” The truth is that even though taking care of family is part of who you are, it’s not the most important part of who you are. That’s why you chose to launch your business and travel the world. And it’s why you feel guilty: your belief about yourself is at odds with your actions.
You don’t have to abandon your family, but I wonder what would happen if you let go of the notion that you are someone who always takes good care of them, no matter what. Maybe replace it with “I’m someone who offers help to those I care about, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the person I want to be”. This is not just a lot easier to live up to, it’s also more true. And it doesn’t make you any less perfect, just the way you are.
But you love her!
We’ve established that it’s not your fault and right now you’re not helping by getting in touch with her. But you still care about her deeply. There must be something you can do!
There is, but not what you think it is.
Right now, it drives you crazy that she’s in pain. As a consequence, you can’t just be there for her. You want to help her. To listen to her. To ease her pain in some way.
Since you can’t, both of you only hurt more.
Now, let’s let go of the assumption that she should be happy (or at least reasonable). What if she’s in the best place she can be at this moment, learning how to tackle her own problems and take charge of her own happiness?
Can you love her so much that you can be there for her, throughout all her drama and struggle while she’s figuring things out? Can you see her anger and attacks for what they are — not something that is about you, but something that is about her? Can you hold space for her while she’s showing all her dark sides?
I’m not saying it’s easy, but if the answer is yes, you can simply… be there. Be there, without trying to fix her or her situation, up to the point where she realizes that she’s in charge of her life and no amount of blaming you will change that. And if she’s up to this challenge — she’ll become the exact things you want for her: stronger, braver, more resilient.
