Agreements and Rules I have in Polyamory
“Hi Marianna! Which are some of the core values/principles/agreements that you have in your relationship that have been helpful for it to work? I’m starting a polyamorous relationship of my own and would like to know what works for you!”
Great question!
To answer this, I’ll need to separate two different things.
#1: Everyone seeks different things in polyamory. For some, it’s a way to fill in some gaps they have in their existing relationships (like a lack of attention or sexual compatibility). For others, it’s about exploration and new connections. For me, it’s mainly about freedom. Before I dive into the agreements my relationships has in place I need you to understand this: the baseline in my relationships is freedom. This does not mean there is no commitment, there is plenty. But it does mean we try to avoid unnecessary restrictions.
When you’re starting out in any polyamorous or open relationship (heck, when you’re starting out in any kind of relationships) the one best thing I would advise you is to stop assuming you’re on the same page and being scared of ruining the ‘natural flow’, sit down and have a conversation about mutual expectations (to be clear: I don’t mean you should do this on the first date, but definitely at the moment exploring dating turns into a relationship of sorts). Here are the items I suggest you discuss:
- What do you expect from a partner in order to feel fulfilled, now and possibly in the future. If you’re looking for someone to spend time with daily — let them know. If you want to hang out with eachothers’ friends — be open about it. The same goes for your future goals, if you have any. My ex brings up children early in his relationship. Not because he instantly wants them, but because a partner that definitely doesn’t want children will not be compatible with him down the line. I applaud his openness and clarity and wish the same for you.
- Highly overlooked: the things you expect your partner NOT to do in order to feel fulfilled or even able to continue the relationship. If them doing alcohol or drugs is a big no-no for you, tell them. If them becoming religious would make you run screaming — they should know. In polyamory, this includes things like: having unprotected sex, having certain types of sex, going on romantic dates, etc.
- What your partner expects from you in order to feel fulfilled (see 1, but the other way around) and the things they expect you NOT to do (see 2, but the other way around).
Once you align on all these, you’ll have some clarity about the wishes you have for your own relationship. You’ll also discover whether there are some things you need to negotiate or even whether compatibility might be lacking (yep, super scary, but trust me — realizing you’re uncompatible after years of trying is no better!)
Which brings me to…
#2: The agreements in my own relationships
I’m completely blessed with two men who are every bit as non-restrictive as I am, probably even more so. The relationships are different in nature, but basically our main idea is that personal struggles around jealousy are rooted in insecurity and should be primarily solved by the person experiencing jealousy. This means that we don’t restrict each other in any way that’s not necessary.
So does that mean we have no agreements whatsoever?
No.
Instead, our agreements are oriented around transparency.
The biggest, baddest and most important agreement we have is that during times when we are fluid-bonded (meaning we have sex without a condom) with each other, unprotected intercourse with others is communicated at the earliest possible moment. Note that we don’t have any rules around using protection: if they choose to have unprotected sex with others, they are free to do so and so am I. However, the only way for us all to make informed decisions about our own health is by knowing what’s happening.
I have to say for me personally this rule has been a relief as opposed to trying to constrain my partners in this. Doing so, I would be constantly worried in the heat of the moment they’d overstep the agreement. Now, I can just relax and trust them to do whatever feels right, as long as I’m in the loop.
The second agreement we have is probably more for my peace of mind than for theirs (I’m a bit of a control freak ;-)). With one, this means there’s transparency when there are new developments with new partners. This means we tell each other when we do anything sexual (or even kissing) with new people or when there are potential romantic developments. With the other, the agreement is more fluid: we tell each other when a new partner has the potential of becoming more than a casual, occasional thing OR if anything sexual or romantic would happen with a mutual friend.
The reason for these agreements (and also for the fact they are different between the two relationships) is I’d like to know what’s happening that might affect our relationship so I can prepare mentally. I suppose I could live without this agreement, but it would be harder and frankly I’d also be worried if my partners feel like they can’t share this kind of thing with me.
That’s it? That’s it. We don’t have any rules about potential partners who are OK or Not OK, around sexual activities that are or aren’t OK, around the amount of time we’re spending together or the like. This leaves a lot of room for honesty, personal decisions and above all: love and connection in all it’s various forms.
Lately I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my way of life. This prompted me to start these series, which will be about being self-employed, living the van life and practicing polyamory, amongst other things.
