Get to know yourself, change is on the way!
TLDR: People are capable of change. However, the change has to come from them. The trigger could be anything; once you identify, understand, and accept, only then can you start making changes and reinforce it until it becomes the new standard.
There are several philosophical assumptions we talked about in the workshop, like “People are basic miracles & worthy of love.” or “Change is facilitated through nurturing relationships than shaming.” but I would like to talk about the one I like the most, which is “People are capable of change & capable of learning to respond to events than reacting to them.” The reason is that I do believe that “one thing that never changes is things are always changing.” It might be too broad of a topic to discuss and can be applied in many scenarios; however, in this article, I will focus on the change in people, specifically ourselves.
Let’s start with “Resources” like choice, curiosity, change, courage, compassion, and more. These are the power we all have. We use these resources to accomplish something or get through some situation. Another is “Values” like family, honesty, integrity, success, etc. These are the things that you resonate with or believe in. Most of the time, at least one or the combination of “Resources” and “Values” is the reason behind our actions. So identifying our values is the beginning of understanding ourselves.
In some cases, we might have to dig deeper into the reason why we value something. The underlying reason helps us determine if it is what we value or if other values are hidden behind it. For me, there are several values that I feel like I value them. However, after considering it, I discovered that many of them are not mine but our society, which is okay. An important thing is identifying them.
Next comes the “Defensive Behaviors.” This is one of the most exciting topics I have learned during the “Leading Self” workshop. We do these behaviors once we feel threatened, and it is in our nature to go into these three modes: fight, flight, or freeze, to help us survive. These modes might be crucial in some circumstances, but sometimes they get triggered without us knowing — during a meeting or conversation. One technique to help us identify our state is “Locating Yourself.” The basic idea is to draw a horizontal line and ask, “Where am I?”. At any given moment, we are either above the line or below the line. Above the line is where we are open, curious, and ready to learn. On the other hand, below the line is where we are closed, defensive, and committed to being right. We tend to go below the line because that’s how our instinct works; however, taking a moment and identifying our location and then utilizing our resource of choice in combination with other resources or values could be beneficial to us and the people around us.
It’s hard to be aware of the situation and take a moment to locate ourselves at that moment, but it’s worth trying. After we locate ourselves and identify our defensive behavior, we need a little more understanding of our behavior and the reason behind it, and that’s where “Satir Iceberg” comes in. We can utilize this tool to understand our feelings, perceptions, beliefs & expectations, and yearnings. Once we identify our beliefs & expectations, we might find that it isn’t helpful to cling on to some of our beliefs or expectations and we want to let it go. The next step is very easy, just “let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore❄️☃️,” just kidding. We actually need the answer to the question, “What can we do to change?” and “How can we make it last?”. You have to answer these two questions yourself.
In conclusion, people are capable of change and learn to respond instead of react. We just need to understand our behaviors and the underlying reason. Once we can get more understanding of ourselves, then and only then can we make a meaningful and long-lasting change without losing our values. And always remember that we all have resources and values to convert into resources to accomplish anything we want.
It is okay to see or hear what is going on.
It is okay to feel what you feel.
It is okay to express what you feel.
It is okay to ask for what you need.
It is okay to take risks.
These are my learnings and experiences from attending the workshop “Leading Self” by Stanly Lau and Chokchai Phatharamalai from Odd-e.
Be yourself, be happy and always remember “It’s okay to be you”
Special thanks to Sharon Loeschen & Virginia Satir for the foundation of this workshop.
