I came across the article “Change is Inevitable; Growth is Optional” and found that the title and also the content is related to what I’m thinking while I’m in the process of processing what I’ve learned from “Leading Self — A Personal Growth Workshop”. I wanted to take that title but it’s already taken so I just want to mention it.
This article I’m writing is dedicated to my participation in that workshop and it is …subjective. I would not go through all the exercises, activities, and content but will share some of my thoughts and key takeaways here.
Before I joined, I have absolutely no idea what to expect and never heard of Virginia Satir before. I’ve been putting very little effort looking into self-growth, psychology, and not at all leadership. After I joined, I realize that there are many areas in me that are in need of improvement as much as other skills I’m trying to build or achieve.
“Super Power”
There was a simple question; “What is your superpower if you could have any?”. When thinking of a superpower it refers to some abilities that we desire most but are also aware that we couldn’t do. I can see a strong hope and imagination along with accepting limitations here.
My all-time answer had been ‘flying’; simply because I love to explore, see it all, and be free or feel free. Surprisingly, my recent answer was ‘to erase’; I wish I could make things vanish or disappear. Those things include mistakes, memories, people, rubbish, pollution, and feelings. As you may see, there is some hope for the better, some guilts, some love and hate, some relationships but also some bitter acceptance going on here.
Whatever they are (that I want to remove), it doesn’t matter. It’s me who can’t escape from feeling guilty because I accept that the consequences of my actions can’t be avoided. Over time, the burden of responsibilities feels heavier.
Either ‘fly’ or ‘erase’, they are both the idea of ‘escape’ or flee from reality. They are not helping me to prevent or face whatever the issue, even though I have some good intentions.
“Choice” — a simple word but powerful.
Often in life, we encounter situations where we believe ‘we don’t have a choice’ but actually, we do.
Imagine you could think of only one way to act on something, choices could be… ‘act on it’ | ‘not act on it’, and then… ‘accept’ | ‘deny’ the act of making that choice.
“Maturity is when one takes responsibility for his/her own choices” is one of the philosophical assumptions we discussed choices. From the discussion, I learned that ‘not making a choice is also a choice’ therefore ‘fleeing’ is also a choice.
To my understanding, ‘choices’ are possible actions. They are powerful because they give us the power to choose; to act intentionally; to lead ourselves.
When we acknowledge our actions before we act, we have choices.
“Value”
I suppose we all have some values we hold on to through our lives but they might not be the absolute answer to why we do what we do.
Values could have changed from time to time. They evolve with us.
When we were younger we might value our success more than family. And then, life happens… our value may shift to family or health after some experiences or circumstances.
Values can be dynamic and contrast. My number one value of all time is ‘freedom’. I reason many of my actions or decisions in life with ‘freedom’. My definition of freedom is the ability to choose freely, to be accepted as I am, to be able to do or say things as I desire, and more. But recently, I found that I also value ‘boundaries’ which seems to be in contrast with ‘freedom’. The question is… “Does it really?”. When I stop seeing things as ‘black and white’ or ‘this opposite that’; in a colorful picture, ‘boundaries’ could compliment ‘freedom’. Boundaries can reduce interferring then it increase freedom within that boundaries.
Another example is ‘music’ and ‘quiet’. I value ‘music’ as a major part of my life. I learn English through music. I have an interest in cultures through music. I often plan overseas trips mainly based on live music experiences. On the contrary, I chose the neighborhood to live in based on the ‘quiet’. Perhaps each value plays its role in one’s life differently and they can be our values equally.
Values are truly ours. We give them to ourselves. We acknowledge them. Values are not what you want others to see you.
Values are not to be compared with others. We don’t need a label for our values. We realize, validate and acknowledge them to help us understand and accept our behaviors or actions. And these are the essential process to make changes.
“Defensive behaviors”
Fight-Flight-Freeze, these 3 common types of defensive behaviors are new to my knowledge. The action itself is not new, I’ve experienced all of them in various circumstances and periods in life. But the recognition or realization of the concept of defensive behaviors is fresh. These reactions are natural instincts when we feel attacked or in danger. Why are they important to be aware of? I believe that because they are blocking the effectiveness of communication. Followings are misunderstanding, unsettled feelings, and perhaps unhealthy relationships.
I want to understand defensive behaviors more so I looked up some other sources or perspectives and found this article; 12 Truths About Defensive Behavior. “One way to move past defensive behavior is to acknowledge it” — Linda Carroll, this statement seems to align with my key takeaway from exercises in the session. The first step and maybe the hardest is to acknowledge it. As it occurs naturally, the challenge is to be able to remind ourselves of how we currently behave. Is it defensiveness? How can we be kind and not be nice? How can we be open and honest? If we can think of these questions when the action occurs, then we begin to take the lead of ourselves instead of letting natural instinct lead us.
“Appreciation” — Appreciative not-speaking & non-spoken Appreciation.
During the workshop, there’s an inner resource that I’ve developed vastly: ‘appreciation’.
Firstly, ‘appreciative listening’ or what some may call ‘active listening’ was what I and other participants practiced. The description of how to practice it is simple, but each may find a couple of challenges in adopting the concept such as ‘avoiding sharing advice’. We tend to assume that when someone is sharing a private or personal story with us, they need some advice or help from us.
When looking back, there are times that I, as a person who is sharing, found that advice or suggestions make me feel more uncomfortable. There were some perceptions that emerged momentarily like “You don’t understand my situation fully”, “You are not me, how would you know better?”, “Am I being judged?” or “I can’t fix it now, it’s in the past”. So I can see why ‘avoiding sharing advice’ would be appreciated.
Sometimes or often we appreciate the kind gestures of someone towards us. These gestures could be small but are supportive manners such as offering help when seem needed. The feeling of appreciation has been built up inside us, but how often do we get to express it? For me, the person I’m more likely to fight with or interact with some overactive defensive behaviors is the person who I actually care deeply about. That person may also have been a major support in my life. My observation is, a slight shame or blame from that person could trigger the defensiveness easily. But on the other hand, why a number of small gestures of love didn’t trigger me to express my gratitude easily?
One exercise in this workshop, ‘appreciation letter’ reminded me how I kept my ‘appreciation’ resource locked up. Writing a letter was the key to accessing and releasing it. The act of writing allows me to focus my feelings, thoughts, and experiences in depth. It let me carefully select my words. It gives me the chance to talk to myself openly while I’m assessing my inner resources. Writing also helps me practice awareness and guides me through some considerations before the actual communication with another person happens.
“Awareness”
To lead one’s self is to make a choice intentionally.
According to this statement, leading the self requires awareness of the moment, awareness of the situation, awareness of choices, and awareness of the action. These awarenesses can’t happen elsewhere except within one’s self.
Looking back when I had a defensive behavior (especially the overactive one), the awareness was temporarily missing. I have some observations on the awareness.
- The awareness can be tricky; it’s either we have it or we don’t at that moment.
- The awareness can be like an old friend; we think we know what it’s like, and we feel familiar with it, but some of them we may not have even met before.
- The awareness can be unpredicted; it doesn’t always with us, apparently when we most need it.
- The awareness can be nurtured; when we pay attention to it and when we call it for use more often, awareness can grow.
Through all the exercises and activities in this workshop, one thing I am aware of is ‘I need to grow my awareness’. How? There are some methods I tend to apply including meditation, writing as self-talk, and talking to someone who is trustworthy (an appreciative listener) for reflection. I could also develop my own coping mechanism using ‘Satir’s iceberg model’. I could also access all materials I received from this workshop anytime I need.
Finally, I am aware that I could use this ending part of my very first published journal to express my appreciation toward Stanly Lau, P’ Jua Chokchai Phatharamalai, P’ Joe, ODDS, Sharon Loesche, Virginia Satir, all other participants in this workshop who contribute to this useful experience.
