Turning 22 Without Celebration: A Reflection on Depression and Disappointment
A Journey of Self-Discovery, Vulnerability, and the Power of Human Connection
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
― Albert Camus
“Today is 5 August 2024, I wake up and sigh, another year wasted, I think to myself, whether I should kill myself or have a cup of coffee. And I choose to have a cup of coffee.” — Me, on the day I turned 22.
The Uninvited Guest
On my 22nd birthday, instead of waking up to the usual excitement and joy, I found myself feeling incredibly empty. The anticipation of cake, champagne, and laughter felt hollow and forced, and I couldn’t shake off the feeling of depression that had settled in like an uninvited guest. While others celebrate their birthdays being surrounded by loved ones and filled with joy, I found myself grappling with this overwhelming sense of emptiness. This was supposed to be a day of celebration and marking another year of life, but instead, it felt like a constant battle with my thoughts and emotions.
It’s hard to put into words what it’s like to have depression hijack your most significant milestones. But for those who know this pain intimately, they’ll understand that even the simplest joys are tainted by the constant presence of darkness. That birthday felt like a cruel joke — another reminder that happiness and fulfillment were fleeting concepts, out of reach.
The Weight of Expectations
During my 22nd year, I underwent a period of profound self-discovery, grappling with some stark realities about my nature. It became evident that emotions, particularly the vulnerable ones, possess a unique duality capable of inflicting deep pain while providing a sense of liberation. My struggle with depression became a catalyst for acknowledging the universal truth that each of us wrestles with our challenges, even if they are not readily observable.
Amidst this internal turmoil, I sought refuge in embracing vulnerability. It was an arduous journey, yet I made the conscious effort to openly share my experiences with depression. Through candid conversations with intimate friends and colleagues, I found the courage to shatter the oppressive barriers of stigma and societal expectations that had confined me for so long.
Vulnerability as Liberation
Opening up about my battle with depression was a turning point in my journey to recovery. It not only helped me heal but also challenged the pervasive silence surrounding mental health. Through this experience, I learned that being vulnerable is not only empowering but also freeing.
It’s remarkable how sharing our struggles brings about a sense of connection and diminishes feelings of isolation. When we recount our experiences, we foster communal empathy, realizing that we are all navigating similar paths, facing challenges, and gaining insights from each other.
Breaking Silence
Thank you for taking the time to read this. As I turn 22, I understand that my experiences may not be unique. However, I believe that sharing my journey can provide comfort to others who may feel alone in their challenges. Let’s work together to encourage open conversations and foster a supportive atmosphere where being open and vulnerable is seen as a strength rather than a weakness. Because after all:
“The greatest threat to our society is not the terrorist or the rapist or the murderer. It’s our own shame and fear of being vulnerable. We need to redefine what it means to be strong. To me, that means embracing vulnerability, imperfection, and uncertainty.”
— Brené Brown
Editor’s Note
Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read the blog! I hope it resonated with you and provided some food for thought. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback. If you want to connect, feel free to reach out at bento. Keep exploring and take care!
