What Does The Bible Say About Dating and Marriage?

Caleb Suko

The danger in speaking exclusively about marriage is that I can exclude those who aren’t married or those who think they will never be married. I would like to say a few words concerning the different marital statuses that are represented in our fellowship.

Single people

We have singles who have never been married, we have singles who have been divorced, we have singles who are young, we have singles who are old!

Married people

We have some married people who have only been married a short time, we have others who have been married a long time, still others have been married more than once. We have young married people and we have older married people. We have struggling married people and we have less struggling married people. We have some with children and some without children.

What I want you to understand is that it is far too simplified to divide the world into single and married. Unfortunately, this is often the way we are taught to look at things. This oversimplification coupled with a wrong attitude concerning singleness and marriage often looks something like this:

The single person thinks:

“If only I could find a spouse, that would solve my problems and I could finally be happy.”

The married person thinks:

“If only it weren’t for my spouse, she/he is the reason for all my problems.”

The best advice for all marital statuses

What kind of advice does the Bible give to all people regardless of their marital status? Simply put it is this:

Exodus 20:3–5a NIV

3 “You shall have no other gods before me.

4 “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of a husband, a wife or in the form of romance and marriage.

5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God…

By far the greatest problem I see in dating, romance, and marriage is idol worship! I want to tell you as clearly as possible if you worship your boyfriend, your girlfriend, if you worship the idea of romance or marriage. If you put all of your hope into a relationship, if you make your joy and your peace, your happiness and your goodness solely dependent upon one person and that person is not Jesus Christ, then you have built yourself an idol of the heart and that idol will disappoint you!

The contrasting statements I made earlier concerning the outlook of singles versus the outlook of married people are really just two sides of the same problem! When I take the unbiblical attitude that if I find the right person and get married my problems will be solved I am doing nothing more than building an idol that will one day disappoint me and eventually crumble on my head.

Thus, after marriage I may be able to keep up those expectations during the honeymoon period but soon I will realize that my spouse not only can’t fulfill all my expectations but he/she sometimes does things that actually make living with him/her more difficult than when I was single!

So if you are single and you are looking for that one person to fulfill you, please stop, turn to God, acknowledge that he alone is God and that only he can fulfill you.

Psalm 81:8–10 NIV — 8 Hear me, my people, and I will warn you — if you would only listen to me, Israel! 9 You shall have no foreign god among you; you shall not worship any god other than me. 10 I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.

In order to experience joy and contentment in our relationships we must first learn to find ultimate joy, contentment and fulfillment in God and God alone. This is the foundation of a strong faith and a meaningful life for singles and for married people.

Some of you need to turn to God in your singleness and learn contentment and joy in God in your current status. Some of you need to turn to God in your marriage and learn to find joy in Him in serving and caring for your spouse.

In the end it’s unfair to your spouse to put the expectations upon him or her that we should only have for God. Let us all learn to say with the Apostle Paul:

1 Timothy 6:6 NIV — 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

By being godly and content you will…

1. Enjoy your singleness
2. Attract other godly people around you
3. Provide a foundation for a great marriage
4. Improve your marriage

Truly content people are a rare jewel and they are the most pleasant people on this planet to be around!

A Biblical Understanding of Marriage

Let’s now take a brief look at some of the Bible’s main teachings on marriage.

Genesis 2:18, 22–24 NIV — 18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” … 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

1. Marriage was created by God

It is more than a piece of paper that the local authorities give you. God himself created the institution of marriage as a foundation for the family and society.

2. Marriage is for companionship

God said that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Adam needed companionship. We talked about how God created us to be in relationships with others a few weeks ago when we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We all need companionship, we need to be in healthy relationships. However, I want to make note of one thing. This doesn’t mean that it isn’t good to be single today. When God said this, Adam had no other human being on earth with whom he could share his life. Loneliness is not good! It is not good for a single person to live a life of separation from society. However, you can be single and not lonely, you can be single and have good and close friends.

1 Corinthians 7:38 NIV — 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.

3. Marriage is between one man and one woman

Simply put there are not examples of any other type of marriage in the Bible except for heterosexual monogamous relationships. Any other kind of deviation is warned against and condemned.

4. Marriage is the closest human relationship

The closeness in marriage is physical and spiritual. In Genesis we see this described as “bone of my bone” and “flesh of my flesh.” Out of this close relationship comes the foundation for families, cities, and nations.

5. Marriage is a covenant till death

1 Corinthians 7:39 NIV — 39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

The death of a spouse frees the other spouse from the covenant. Unfaithfulness and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse also frees the believing spouse.

6. Marriage is an illustration of God’s love and relationship to his people (Eph 5:23–33)

Biblical principles for singles

1. Gain a proper attitude

1 Corinthians 7:8, 32–35 NIV — 8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. … 32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world — how he can please his wife — 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world — how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

You are not second class, you are not missing out on all God has for you.

You can do more more God as a single

You can have more freedom as a single

You can experience great joy while single

2. Focus on your relationship with God

Psalm 119:1, 9–11 NIV — 1 Aleph Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. … 9 Beth How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. 10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. 11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

Be more serious about your relationship with God than with any other kind of relationship.

Fellowship with other believers who can encourage you and challenge you in your faith.

Establish a regular time of meditation and prayer.

3. Focus on your non-romantic relationships

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 NIV — 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Remember these famous verses on love were written to the Church as a whole, they are not focused or limited to romantic relationships!

Learn to love and serve those close to you. Learn to forgive quickly forgive when someone has sinned against you. Learn to communicate openly and honestly.

4. Have proper relationships with the opposite sex

1 Corinthians 7:36 NIV — 36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married.

Don’t avoid them the opposite sex but rather “act honorable” with them. Treat them as sisters and brothers. Until you are married, that girlfriend or boyfriend is a sister or brother to you! That means sex has no place in dating. Use wisdom to stay away from temptation. If you’re asking “can we do this?” or “can we do that?” then you have gone too far.

Don’t date for fun and don’t date forever!

5. Have proper expectations before marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV — 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

Marriage can be good as long as it is not God! Marriage will complicate your life. Marriage isn’t about your spouse fulfilling you but you fulfilling your spouse. Marriage isn’t the answer to your problems but rather a tool for your growth. Marriage requires hard work, faithfulness, forgiveness, understanding, patience, and much, much more!

Biblical principles for married people

We will now look at some Biblical principles for married people. However, let be preface this by saying that all principles concerning marriage are also valid with other relationships. That is to say, marriage in most ways is like any other relationship, the main difference is the distance!

Now let’s turn to those who are already married.

1. Realize that your biggest problem in marriage is sin.

It’s not simply a lack of communications, or misunderstandings, or different approaches to child raising. Sin is at the root of our biggest problems in marriage. We need to look beyond the surface issues and see what it is that is really causing us to have conflict. If we look closely we will see that sins like, selfishness, pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, unfaithfulness, and others are the root of all our problems in marriage.

2. Learn to view yourself as the biggest sinner in your marriage.

The biggest problem I have seen in marriages over and over again is when each spouse pointing the finger at each other and saying, “I can’t believe he/she could do this or that!” Our attitude towards our own sin should be the same as Paul describes in I Tim 1:15

1 Timothy 1:15 NIV — 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst.

• When I don’t understand my own sin problem, my attitude and relationship towards my wife will always be hard, judgmental, and cruel.
• When I don’t understand my own sin problem, I can’t grow in my faith.
• When I don’t understand my own sin problem I can’t share my faith with my spouse.
• When I don’t understand my own sin problem I fail to understand the gospel.

If I do not understand and believe my own problem with sin my efforts to influence my spouse in spiritual matters will cause more harm than good. My pride, my arrogance, my high view of myself will build a wall of misunderstanding, bitterness, and frustration between me and my spouse. My efforts to share the gospel with my spouse, partake in spiritual disciplines with my spouse, go to church with my spouse or doing anything gospel related will look more like the judgemental attitude of the Pharisees than anything else and will possibly push my spouse further away from God.

When I learn to say “I am the worst” it changes my relationship with my spouse. It changes how I think about her, how I talk to her, how I respond to her, how I serve her, how I love her, how I forgive her. It changes my marriage.

Why did Paul say he was the worst?

• He knew the condition of his own heart better than anyone.
• He personally understood God’s patience toward him.
• He understood that God’s work in him could be an example to others.

David Harvey writes in his book “When sinners say, ‘I do’”

But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15–16 trustworthy — once I can embrace it with full acceptance — once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me

What happens when I begin to focus more of my attention upon my spouse’s sinfulness instead of on my own?

• The streams of grace and mercy that my wife and I need in our marriage dry up.
• In place of those streams appear the dry sands of judgement, criticism, and self righteousness.
• Spiritual growth in marriage becomes impossible.

If you want your spouse to experience grace and mercy then live in such a way that they will experience it as it flows through you! That means you need to come to terms with your fallen sin nature and your sinful heart. You need to say with Paul, “I am the first sinner in their marriage”

3. Don’t blame your spouse for your marriage problems

When we begin to understand our own sinfulness it changes the way we look at the sins of our spouses. In our sin nature we naturally can see the faults and problems of our spouse much clearer than our own. This leads to blame…

“The woman you gave to be with me ​ — ​she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate.” Gen 3:12

More often than not when I counsel couples I see an attitude of…

“My spouse is the reason for all or most of the problems in my marriage can you help me fix him/her”

Blame is an invisible, and deadly shadow that we often cast upon those nearest us. It’s easy to look at the shadow of blame on your spouse and then say,

• Why are you that way?
• Why can’t you change?
• Why can’t you be more like me?

Your spouses problems aren’t really just your spouses problems, more accurately they are your problems!

• They’re your problems because she and you are “one flesh” (Gen 2:23–24).
• They’re your problems because they will probably affect you more than anyone.
• They’re your problems because you may have created them.

This is why the first piece of advice that I always give to husbands who come to me about their wife’s problems is to tell them…

Stop complaining about your wife to me and start complaining about yourself to me! I don’t want to know what you think is wrong with your wife, I want to know what your wife thinks is wrong with you!

It is theoretically possible, however, this is the wrong outlook to have in marriage. Blame is dangerous and nearly always leads to conflict, hurt feelings, frustration, and weakens the relationship rather than strengthening it. If you are blaming your spouse for your lack of happiness you need to stop now. As long as you have this attitude there can be no improvement in your marriage.

Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV — 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

What is blame?

1. A failure to acknowledge my own part in the sin
2. A desire to humiliate another while honoring yourself
3. It results in bitterness
4. Bitterness turns to anger
5. Anger destroys marriages

Ultimately bitterness is a failure to forgive! Unforgiveness poisons our marriages, our families, our minds, and our hearts.

Sometimes this is quiet and under the surface. Above the surface there is a false stillness. Some people are very good at hiding unforgiveness and bitterness but it can not be hidden forever. Others are open about their bitterness and it is clear in their behavior towards that person.

If you have an attitude of blame towards your spouse the first thing you need to do is to ask God for forgiveness and then ask your spouse for forgiveness, only then will you find the desire and ability to forgive your spouse for their sins against you.

Remember we can not give forgiveness until we have first received it.

• Make forgiveness an attitude
• Make forgiveness regular
• Make forgiveness quick
• Make forgiveness as an example for your children

“forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”

4. Learn to speak truth in love

God gives us a different approach.

Ephesians 4:15 NIV — 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

How does speaking truth in love look different from blaming? It has a different motivation. Rather than to prove my spouse wrong, I want my spouse to grow in Christ. To truly desire your spouse’s own spiritual growth is something we must cultivate in our heart, it doesn’t come natural. Rather than promoting my ego, I promote truth.

Rather than separating us by our differences, I must seek to bring unity (4:16, 25). Unity can never come through arguing, blame shifting, and strife. True unity comes when truth is pursued because it is true and right. Unity comes when we are willing to makes sacrifices in order to communicate and protect truth in our marriages. It has different results: unity instead of dischord, peace instead of fighting, spiritual growth instead of spiritual decline, it doesn’t need to win the argument.

Speaking truth is vitally important to a marriage, however we must take into account why we speak truth and how we speak truth. Usually arguments are me proving my righteousness and your unrighteousness. When I do that I will lose in my marriage every time. Winning an argument doesn’t mean your appointment has believed, it means they have been conquered. Our goal is not to win the argument but rather to attain belief and repentance together.

It has a different attitude. It is tempered with love which overlooks a multitude of sins, thus it’s not picky, it’s not condescending, it’s not judgmental. It is self sacrificial, it is humble,it has different words, not false words but true words 4:25, not bitter or angry words but gracious and kind words, not destructive words but edifying words, not demeaning words but tender-hearted words.

Self-sacrificial love must always start with self. It must look through the soiled window of your own heart as a starting point.

God can give you great joy no matter your marital status! Seek Him first!