Would you keep in Contact with your Ex?

The Question

Published in

OE Match

3 min readSep 4, 2019

Once you’ve met your Mr. or Mrs. Right should you keep in touch with your past partners? This is a question that has sparked debates between couples and published research in psychology journals. We hope that by sharing some of the experiences of Chinese singles alongside with professional studies, we can explore the effects our past lovers possess over our romantic futures.

The Research

Psychology Today features an article (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-going-when-you-stay-in-touch-your-ex), which looks closely at two studies and finds that among the university students, frequent contact with exes led to less satisfaction in current relationships. It’s also important to note was the reason why the students maintained contact, as this could mean that the person was not completely over their previous mate.

How do Chinese Couples handle Exes?

In China, more often than not, couples will choose not to maintain contact with ex-lovers. These friendships could be seen to negatively impact their current relationships and put the goal of marriage to a current partner at risk. Often in China, once you are dating, especially after the age of 25, the relationship is a path to marriage, and If you are not at least considering marriage, then you are seen as blocking the road for your current lover.

It helps to note that serious relationships in China also involve the parents, and once your significant other’s family accepts you, it’s expected that you will marry. This more deliberate attitude towards dating is part of the reasons why communication with exes is a risk many Chinese do not take in their new relationships.

Every individual is different though, and below we’ve asked several volunteers for their perspectives on this polarizing question:

Personal Account #1 (28 years, Male):

Of course, when I get a new girlfriend, I give up all of my past contacts. Why should I keep my exes we’ve already gone and broken up? Also, I’d rather not make my new partner upset, even if it’s unintentional.

Personal Account #2 (29 years, Female)

I would never keep in contact with an old boyfriend, only because if I find a new partner then it means that I’ve gotten over my ex. However, if I don’t see a new partner, then it means I’m still thinking about my ex. But let’s say I did have a new boyfriend, and a particularly important ex contacted me. I would still avoid speaking with him, but it would be tough for me. I want to avoid having two men in my heart at the same time.

Personal Account #3 (30 years, Male)

My fiancé is a beautiful woman, and it’s been tough navigating the line between male friendships and ex relationships as often these two situations coincide. In China, many of us grow up with the same classmates from elementary school to high school. So I have requested that we open up our friendships and if there is ever a relationship or a conversation that we are uncomfortable sharing, then that relationship should be left behind. The trust between us is what’s most important to both of us.

As you can see from these accounts, each situation is different, but for many men and women in China, the urge to remain friends with exes is seen as a detriment to relationships. So if you do find yourself with a Chinese partner, just like with a person of any other ethnicity, it helps to communicate your boundaries openly and share your friendships with your loved ones.